How to Diffuse Anger

Angry people are proud people.

That may shock you, but it’s true. Society often attributes anger to hormones, personality types, or an attempt at personal justification, but that is not what Scripture teaches. Proverbs 13:10 says, “Only by pride cometh contention: but with the well advised is wisdom.” Notice the word only. No matter what dictionary or concordance I use to look up that word, it means only. There is no other way for contention or anger to come except by pride. Pride is the root; humility is the solution.

I remember ministering in Pueblo, Colorado over twenty years ago on this very subject. A man came up to me afterward and said, “I respect you. I like your ministry. But you’re wrong about anger. I am a very angry person. I have a temper that gets me in trouble all the time. But I am not proud.” I’m sure many people feel this way, but it all stems back to our misunderstanding and misapplication of the word pride.

Many people think of pride as arrogance. And while arrogance is pride, not all pride presents itself as arrogance. Low self-esteem and insecurity is pride. Pride is simply self-centeredness. It is focused on self more than God and than others. At the center of P-R-I-D-E is “I.”

I know about this because I was an introvert. I had a hard time talking to anyone who wasn’t a family member or close friend. And you know what caused that? Pride. I was thinking only about me. I was worried about what they would think of me. Would I say or do something stupid? That’s the root of all shyness and insecurity. When a person is focused on self, that’s pride, and according to Scripture, that’s where contention is born.

Our emotions will respond to the perspective we adopt. If we look at our circumstances through a prideful, self-centered perspective, we will get angry. We don’t really have a choice. But if we purpose to consider the other person’s feelings, the other person’s perspective, it will cause sympathy to rise up in our hearts, and we will act mercifully. That’s exactly what Proverbs 13:10 is saying. The only thing that causes anger, contention, and strife is pride—looking at things only from a selfish viewpoint.

The only antidote for pride is humility—putting God and others first. Jesus is an amazing example of this concept. If anyone ever had a justification for anger, it was Jesus. He was the sinless Son of God, yet He suffered unjustly. He was mocked and spit upon, stripped and beaten. His beard was ripped out (Is. 50:6). The same people who praised Him in the streets shouted for His crucifixion. But when Jesus hung on the cross, He had compassion on the people. He didn’t respond in anger. He could have; He could have called twelve legions of angels to His side and wiped out the entire human race (Matt. 26:53). Instead, He prayed, “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34).

If it’s only circumstances that cause a chemical reaction in the brain and trigger a natural response of anger, it would have been impossible for Jesus to respond like that. He would have been angry. Some people think, That was Jesus. I’m not Jesus; I can’t do that. That’s not a good excuse. You may not be Jesus, but you have the same Spirit living in you as Jesus had living in Him (Rom. 8:11). Even Stephen, a man born with a fallen nature and born again by the Spirit of Christ, was able to overcome pain and anger to forgive the very people who were stoning him to death (Acts 7:58–60).

Jesus’s and Stephen’s actions show that anger is not an uncontrollable, physical reaction. It’s a choice. When you’re humble, it’s impossible to be truly angry and to live life subject to a bad temper. Humility defuses anger. When you esteem others ahead of yourself, you’ll be able to pray for those who wrong you, just like Jesus did. That’s what humility is all about.

James 4 says:

“Speak not evil one of another, brethren. He that speaketh evil of his brother, and judgeth his brother, speaketh evil of the law, and judgeth the law: but if thou judge the law, thou art not a doer of the law, but a judge. There is one lawgiver, who is able to save and to destroy: who art thou that judgest another?” (James 4:11–12)

We could combine this with Romans 12:19, which says, “Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.” Humility doesn’t speak evil or slander a brother or sister. It doesn’t take matters into its own hands and judge in anger or repay evil for evil. Humility submits itself to God and lets God take care of its defense.

When you’re humble, it’s impossible to be truly angry and to live life subject to a bad temper. Humility submits itself to God and lets God take care of its defense.