The Process of Grief
It has literally taken me years to write the story of overcoming loss by finding my pathway through grief and dealing with sorrow.
In sharing my adventure in this, I did not want to give you a certain path because my path is mine. I chose to write what I wrote because there are so many different streets to travel on; they all have different names, but they will all end at the same destination—your destiny.
I have traveled around 700,000 road miles to thousands of different places all over the USA and Canada since my husband, Jack Frost’s death. I’ve learned this one thing—the further away I am headed, the longer it takes to get there. That is a real revelation, huh? It is really just plain common sense. You won’t get there in a day if you are going from South Carolina to California, but if you stay on the right road (the process) you do eventually arrive. I know—I have made that trip about ten times now.
You might make some wrong turns; you might have to take some detours on your way—that is OK too. My friend Crystal Grainger who has traveled with me a lot says, “If you make a wrong turn on your trip, instead of getting angry or frustrated, remember—you are fixing to see something that you might not have seen before. Pay attention to it, because all of our steps are directed by the Lord.” I wanted to slap her and kiss her at the same time.
But that is actually some of the best advice I have ever been given because today I am enjoying my journey even when I feel like I have made a wrong turn in my path. So I want to encourage you with a few scriptures that keep me focused. I have to renew my mind, because if I lose sight of where I am headed then that is when the enemy brings lies, doubt, and fear. I can’t allow that anymore in my journey. These are some promises that I cling to when I am unsure about how to move.
Do not yield to fear, for I am always near. Never turn your gaze [your intense focus] from me, for I am your faithful God. I will infuse you with my strength and help you in every situation. I will hold you firmly with my victorious right hand (Isaiah 41:10 TPT).
I never realized that at such a young age I would become a widow facing loss, grief, and such deep sorrow, but here I am and there I was. I needed to believe in something that meant I still had value. I am thriving in life by remembering the promises that I have been given over the years, studying the Word, and positioning myself to believe and trust in them.
Jack did die; I did and have suffered loss. Good has come out of horrible situations for me and the authors of the stories in this book. Even though there has been no five-step plan, I hope that our stories of the goodness of God will actually help you to focus on the end result in your story. We pray that your story will end like ours.
Trust in the Lord completely, and do not rely on your own opinions. With all your heart rely on him to guide you, and he will lead you in every decision you make. Become intimate with him in whatever you do, and he will lead you wherever you go (Proverbs 3:5-6 TPT).
When you can actually let go of all the disappointments and seek His face for you in your personal story, then your answers will be revealed to you. I forgive the people in my life and the lives of my kids who hurt me/us. I forgive those other people who tried to tell us who we were without actually knowing us. I forgive those who abandoned us, those who actually wanted me to go away. I release them from any responsibility to be there for this part of my life.
Good did come out of a horrible season. We used our pain to bring us into an awareness of victory in the midst of feeling defeated. Don’t allow your circumstance to cause you to believe a lie; it will dominate your soul and alter your course of destiny. I chose to walk through a horrible experience choosing courage so that I would not allow fear to overpower me.
My life is so full of joy and excitement now, especially around the holidays. Facing my unexplainable fear by bringing it out of the hiddenness of my soul caused me to want to live again. You will have to, at some point, deal with scenarios that seem like the greatest fears of your life, but my hope is to help you not just displace that fear but to embrace it and deal with it so that you will be free of any expectations that have become problems in your future. As long as you hide your fears, they find a place to operate in you, but when you bring them out into openness and find the courage to let Him find you, that is when you are delivered from dread and believing a lie that has torment attached to it.
I hope our stories in this book never become your stories, but if they do or if someone you know has one of these stories, I hope that our ways of dealing with the loss and grief empower you to find the same courage we did to find your way back home into His presence.
Today as I am tying this, I had the worst day ever with really trusting God as Father and healer. I read a story that was sent to me by a friend of one of the photographers in the movie Unbroken, so I am pretty sure it is a good source of truth. While making the movie Unbroken, one scene had to be shot on a certain day; no other alternative day would work for whatever reason. Well, it rained outside, and the rain could have ruined the scene had it not been for Angelina Jolie. She made a decision to act upon the faith of the guy the movie was about. She humbled herself and bent down on her knees and prayed and asked the God of this man to help them. The rain stopped and stayed stopped until the final call: “It’s a wrap.”
Such a great story, right? But then I began to ponder: “I have been faithful to You, God, during the greatest crisis of my life, and I want my prayers answered like this.” When I pray, I need immediate results. “If You can do it for a heathen like her, why would You not answer my prayers for the success of my life and family and our ministry?” Sound familiar to you Christians who might be reading this? Yes, another form of the prodigal son. By the time that you get to this point, you might be asking yourself this too. The story of the prodigal son can be your story. Let love find you. Remember, that story was actually a story about a prodigal father—prodigal meaning “extravagant.” I promise you that if you lean not on your understanding but find ways to acknowledge Him, your ending will be just as good. No matter how long it takes (12 years for my daughter), He will find you as you ask Him to show you how to heal and who to allow into your process.
It is OK to experience anger, loneliness, and hopelessness during your process. I did, and as you read the stories of others, they did also. But in each story, they had the courage to trust, and you might have to make that choice also.
In seasons of loss a person will either shut down and maybe blame others or seek help. I hear people say all the time, “When God shows up, this and that will be taken care of.” Yesterday something happened in my spirit. I don’t know if something broke or what, but I have stepped into an area of trust knowing that there is no such thing as “when God shows up.” I am choosing to acknowledge that His presence is there all the time, even when I don’t see or feel it. I thought I was doing that already, but now I know I am. He has already shown up. The dilemma now is going to be whether I will acknowledge His presence and give Him control to do anything and everything His way. I will, I do, and I encourage you to position yourself to believe this also.
Your life in the future, your destiny, depends on the choices you make during any season of loss. The sooner you realize this and change your focus to Him, the less time it will take for you to heal. I guess I lived with the new Jack too long to focus on anything else but destiny. My identity never changed; what changed was my desire to live from the healing that my husband chose—a healing that now has touched more than a million lives. (That is not pride—that is destiny fulfilled!)
Your destiny is your choice, but your identity was Father God’s choice for you. Years ago, before the revelation of how much I am loved by God, I might have made a different choice. He proved to me how much He cares; now I cannot make a choice to have my outcome be anything but a testimony to the goodness of God and to the great love of my Father.
Don’t be fooled and allow your circumstance to lie to you. Remember, you are in a fight for your soul. The outcome, should you choose it, is you win. But He loves you the same no matter what choice you make. You can end as a victim or you can end as a conqueror. I chose to stay in the race as a conqueror and take as many hurt people with me in pursuit of what Father intends for our lives. My prayer for you as you read this is focus on what He is focused on! His love for you. I did, I have, and I am finishing well.
If you need further help, check out more of our resources at www.shilohplace.org. If you get stuck, those books will help you. If you need help to identify lies in your life, our book Unbound: Breaking Free of Life’s Entanglements could help you with that. I live today for the testimonies of courage in other people’s stories. I had a lady from Germany contact me at 5:00 this morning and tell me how our books had changed her life and how much revelation was applicable to her situation. She thanked me for being a catalyst to her healing journey. Yesterday, I got to speak at the billionaire businessmen’s Bible study, and they are going through our book Experiencing the Father’s Embrace as a Bible study to motivate them to love their families first then take it into the business arena.
You see, this is why I stay in the race. Not for money (but provision is nice); not for success (that comes automatically for me), but for this “one more.” The one more might be you, and we might not ever meet, but you are worth the journey—a choice I make today to stay in the process. There is always more revelation to be applied, but you have all of the love right now that you are ever going to get. The problem might be you allow your pain to dictate your future instead of focusing on the love He always has had for you.
When my circumstance tries to tell me about my God, I stop in the moment and recognize the lie and make a choice to find the truth. A big help for me was believing the truth of what those who know me now say. John and Carol Arnott, the founders of the Toronto Blessing, called me a champion; Bill and Beni Johnson, motivational speakers, authors, and the senior leaders at Bethel Church in Redding, California say I am one of the most transparent and courageous people they have ever known; Leif Hetland, another well-known author and president of Global Missions Awareness, says, “Trisha is a dream releaser who will cause eagle Christians to soar higher.” There is so much more being said about me that helps me “keep the momentum of a life-changing message alive” (Paul and Sue Manwaring). That is my path and according to spiritual generals like the ones above I must be doing/living it well.
The last thing I want to say is that not only is it important to renew your mind so you know who you are, but also remember Father God knows too. He does not like it when those who are against you try to detour your journey. The only way to stop that is to know what He says about you. A part of my healing journey is to help others find their identity in who He says they are too and to help them live out their destiny through helping them commit to their path of healing that will lead them back to knowing that the adventure in the venture will always be exciting, hopeful, and, yes, filled with danger and risk. I think all of us want our journeys to have some excitement in them. I will leave you with some of my favorite scriptures that help me to remember who He is and always has been in my life.
Many, O Lord my God, are Your wonderful works which You have done; and Your thoughts toward us cannot be recounted to You in order; if I would declare and speak of them, they are more than can be numbered (Psalms 40:5 NKJV).
Do you realize that there are not enough numbers to count the thoughts that He has for me and you?
My beloved friends, let us continue to love each other since love comes from God. Everyone who loves is born of God and experiences a relationship with God. The person who refuses to love doesn’t know the first thing about God, because God is love—so you can’t know him if you don’t love. This is how God showed his love for us: God sent his only Son into the world so we might live through him. This is the kind of love we are talking about—not that we once upon a time loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to clear away our sins and the damage they’ve done to our relationship with God (1 John 4:8-10).
If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love. Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut, doesn’t have a swelled head, doesn’t force itself on others, isn’t always “me first,” doesn’t fly off the handle, doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, doesn’t revel when others grovel, takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, puts up with anything, trusts God always, always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).
If God is love and His thoughts toward us are more than can be counted by numbers, and if His love can think no evil, then my question to you is: why are you embracing a lie when you try and decide what He is thinking? I had to come to terms with that as I made choices to move forward into my life after Jack and the many losses I have had since and because of his death. You can too. You can choose life or you can choose death. It’s all focused on your ability to make choices to trust in the one who gave you life.
The wonderful stories of the people who refused to allow the pain of loss to dictate their destiny are some of the most courageous lives I know. Their stories are your stories too. I thank each one of them for allowing me to share their painful stories of loss and how they made choices in the midst of pain to believe that they belong and are loved even in loss. I hope our stories of courage in the midst of pain will motivate you to live life again. If this motivates even one person, remember this: God your Father put you into our path to encourage you to choose His life of courage.
Remember—acknowledge the pain of the loss, acknowledge your emotions in the loss.
Acknowledge any fear of moving forward into healing. If it doesn’t feel safe, find a place or person you feel safe enough with to find your own path so that you will be the strongest you can be. In the words of one of the wisest doctors of our time, Dr. Seuss: “Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you.” Trust in the one who knows you best. If you are a pre-Christian, all of the wisdom I have learned can still help you. Humility and being able to forgive those who have wounded you are your first steps too. That does not mean you actually have to forgive in your own strength; sometimes we just need to acknowledge that we need help in doing this.
Remember this: you don’t have to be alone in your process unless you choose to be. He never forgets me in my process; He has a better plan if I will submit to it.
Furthermore, we had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them; shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits, and live? (Hebrews 12:9 NASB)
Submit to the mission of the Father and live. He cares right down to the last detail and will actually show you His plan and allow you to make the choice if you are ready to trust it.
We count those blessed who endured. You have heard of the endurance of Job and have seen the outcome of the Lord’s dealings, that the Lord is full of compassion and is merciful (James 5:11).
Life is not this way forever. Enjoy each moment, make each person feel they have value, remember those you have forgotten and love at all times. It has worked for me. This is my path; it does not have to be yours, but maybe something I have learned will motivate you to stay in the process.
