After Abortion: Hope, Forgiveness, and a Future
When I chose to act in obedience and publicly speak out about my abortion, I had no idea how it would help others to speak out as well.
The huge lie in the abortion industry is that abortion is just a standard medical procedure and does not harm you. They cloak the procedure as “healthcare” claiming it is routine, healthy, and without side effects. Abortion clinics use deceptive language to normalize abortion so that a woman will think she can have her pregnancy terminated one day, and then life will go back to normal the next. This couldn’t be further from the truth. On the day of my abortion, that procedure negatively affected me for the rest of my life. It took me years to not only understand this but confront it and find healing.
The more I shared about the pain I experienced from abortion, the more women and men began to reach out to me. My ongoing depression, my dysfunctional family relationships, the struggles in my marriage, my physical health problems, and my addiction struggles: other people were finding similarities in their stories and connecting it with their abortion too. When I chose to speak about my abortion transparently, it helped others to connect with their trauma, and I was able to help guide people to counseling and healing.
The Rape Exception
I am aware that my abortion story is different from many others. Not only did my abortion take place at the tender age of thirteen, but it was a result of rape. I am included in the 1 percent of women who abort because they are victims of rape. The 1 percent “rape exception” is often used to justify all abortions. But to be transparent, it is important for people to understand that my abortion was worse than my rape. I have said this multiple times as I have publicly shared my story.
I certainly don’t want people to misunderstand me. My rape was devastating. It was a trauma that took away my innocence and robbed me of peace. Rape gave me mental flashbacks that paralyzed me with fear. There were days that I could not scrub my skin hard enough to feel clean from the ugliness of sexual abuse. Rape was an act of violence done to me. But abortion is also an act of violence. When I was old enough to understand what abortion was and how it purposely took another life, it devastated me. I would never purposely take another life. That’s not who I am. That’s not who my parents are or most women I talk to who have had an abortion.
On the day of my abortion appointment, I was taken to a counseling room. When I think of counseling now, I think of help and something that is going to further my healing, not cause more damage. I was lied to. They never once told me a baby was growing inside of me. I would never hurt an innocent baby. The abortion clinic never mentioned my rape or offered my parents help for the trauma of my sexual abuse. Instead, it was just trauma after trauma, which resulted in even more trauma. What dignity I had left was ripped out of me. I was treated like trash. They didn’t care that I was a child who had been raped. Even if the clinic thought they were “helping” me, you don’t yell at a young patient on a table and send her home a bloody mess. Abortion is not healthcare, no matter how they package it. It might be a Band-Aid idea before you enter the clinic, but once you have that abortion, your life will never be the same. Performing an abortion on a woman after rape is like putting a bandage on a gunshot wound. It will never fix it.
Satan made abortion seem like the best answer to my situation. I am sure my parents had a million thoughts running through their heads, and without a firm foundation in Christ, what else did they have to stand on? All they knew was fear, guilt, shame, uncertainty, and unhealed trauma in their lives. I have had people ask me, “Why would you have wanted to keep the rapist’s baby?” You don’t heal a victim of sexual abuse and rape by inflicting more abuse and violence. Abortion left me empty and traumatized, and it took the life of an innocent baby—my baby. Abortion left a gaping hole in our hearts that changed my family forever. Once the abortion was done, it was final. There was no turning back.
If I was going to talk about my abortion, I had to honestly convey how abortion emotionally and physically damaged me more than my rape. There was no way around it. If rape is the exception for abortion, then why did abortion leave me in more pain? Rape and abortion are both acts of violence, without exception.
Silent No More
On January 24, 2020, I had the opportunity to share my testimony on the steps of the United States Supreme Court while attending the National March for Life in Washington, DC. Three friends and I all attended the march to share our abortion regret stories, and we walked with the Silent No More Awareness organization. Silent No More is a campaign “whereby Christians make the public aware of the devastation abortion brings to women and men. The campaign seeks to expose and heal the secrecy and silence surrounding the emotional and physical pain of abortion.”13
It was my first time attending the March for Life. I walked among thousands and thousands of people from all across the United States, all united for one cause: to give a voice to the unborn. The Silent No More group helped to lead the marchers toward the steps of the Supreme Court. Many of us were holding signs that read “I Regret My Abortion” or “Women Do Regret Abortion.” As we walked along Constitution Avenue among the throngs of marchers, women would come up to us and whisper in our ears, “Me too,” or “You are the heroes—thank you.” We heard that over and over again as we marched.
The march ends at the steps of the Supreme Court. On the base of the steps was a small Silent No More podium with a microphone. Nearly forty of us were ready to share our abortion regret stories in front of thousands of marchers. We were met by some pro-abortion protesters who stood in front of the podium yelling and trying to silence us. We patiently waited for them to settle down, and many of us started to pray for these women. Eventually, we were able to take turns stepping up to the podium, each sharing our pain from abortion. We all shared different stories but with the same theme of loss and regret. We mourned the loss of our children and testified that the only thing that healed us and set us free was Jesus Christ and abortion healing.
When it was my turn to speak, I made my way to the podium, but I had to pause for a moment. A group of bagpipe players were still marching, and the music was very loud. I had to wait as they passed. It was a silly moment for me. There I was on the steps of the Supreme Court ready to speak to thousands of people, and I had to wait. A friend of mine who came to the march silently mouthed to me in the crowd, “Only you!” God has a sense of humor. I told God I didn’t want to speak in public, and out of all those forty people, I had to wait to speak. I still chuckle at that moment.
When things settled down, I shared my abortion regret story and ended with these words: “Today I stand here and ask that you remember my story. God gave this thirteen-year-old, raped girl a mother’s heart. Abortion hurts women. It doesn’t matter the age or the situation. And this is why I am silent no more!”
I was in awe of where God had allowed me to share my story. I was able to speak on the steps of the United States Supreme Court, where forty-seven years earlier Roe v. Wade tragically made it legal in our country to kill unborn children. But that is what God can do when you step out in obedience—he turns your story into his redemption testimony on the steps of our nation’s highest court
When all the speakers from Silent No More were done, I asked my friend what stuck out most about each woman’s story. She responded, “Each woman just needed one person.” She was right. Women who go to abortion clinics are scared, and they are looking for help. Sometimes all it takes is just one person to reach out, walk alongside her, and help her choose life for her child.
Finding God’s Grace
To make abortion unthinkable is to disciple individuals and allow God to transform their hearts and minds. Discipleship brought me healing. I am grateful for all those who pointed me in the right direction. The night I called out to God from my pit, God not only rescued me, but he transformed my life. I am a new creation because of the saving power of Jesus Christ. He brought healing and freedom to all my broken pieces. I am walking in the wholeness of Jesus Christ, and all I want is for others to find it as well.
Anyone who reads my story will see that I am not good. I am desperately in need of the Savior. But what I hope people take away from my story is that Christ, my Savior, is good. The Bible says, “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). He loves me, and I was never beyond his reach. No one is beyond his reach. Not the mother or father who aborted, not the drug addict or alcoholic, not even the abuser or rapist.
Here’s what I do know. None of us deserve salvation, healing, redemption, blessings, and all the other beautiful gifts that come from our heavenly Father. But that is what God’s grace is—the unmerited favor of God. Finding God’s grace is freedom. It’s no longer being a slave to shame, guilt, depression, anger, or bitterness. It’s being able to mourn the loss of my aborted baby, knowing I will see her in heaven one day. Finding his grace is seeing the beauty of God’s blessings in my marriage, my children, their spouses, and the joyful laughter and smile of my precious granddaughter.
As I look at all the pieces of my life, I can honestly say God is good. He has been with me all along, and he was waiting for me to call out to him. God extended his hand and pulled me out of the pit. God’s grace is the most beautiful gift you could ever accept, and he gives it freely to all those who ask.