God’s Plan for Christian Singles: 7 Steps to Make the Most Out of Your Singleness
Singleness is the most important state of human development, and it is the foundation of God’s design for the human family.
This is why singleness is so important to God. It is a fundamental principle of His creative order for mankind.
Traditionally, most of us have been taught that marriage is the foundation and basic building block of society, and that society is falling apart because marriages are falling apart. Marriage, however, is not the lowest common denominator of social and human structure. God did not begin the human race with a couple. God began the human race with one human being. He made that one human being from the soil—the dust of the ground—and afterward never returned to the soil to make others.
The first and most crucial step in the construction of any building is to lay the foundation. This requires great care because the foundation must be able to bear the weight of the entire completed structure. A flaw or weakness in the foundation may cause the building eventually to sink, crack, or even collapse.
In God’s program for creation, He finishes everything before He begins. He has the end product complete in His will and purpose before He brings the first atom of it into being. As He says in Isaiah, “Remember the former things of old: for I am God, and there is none else; I am God, and there is none like me, declaring the end from the beginning, and from ancient times the things that are not yet done, saying, My counsel shall stand, and I will do all my pleasure” (Is. 46:9-10).
When God began to build a human species that would in His purpose eventually number in the billions, He first laid a solid foundation of one single human being. In Genesis 1:26, where God says, “Let us make man in Our image, after Our likeness,” the word “man” is plural and refers to the entire species. When God created the human family, He started with a single individual: “And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul” (Gen. 2:7). Adam was one person, a single individual who carried within him the seed for the entire human race. The foundation of humanity was one body, not two. At the very base of human family structure lies a single unmarried being.
Single and Unmarried
There is a difference between being single and being unmarried. Most unmarried people consider themselves single. I have been married for almost 25 years, but I am still single. So is my wife. It is our singleness that makes our marriage so successful. The more single we become, the more our marriage improves.
The average person has never been single, even though he or she may be unmarried or divorced. Unmarried means to be without a spouse (so does divorce, in the legal sense), but single means to be all one (alone)—a separate, unique, and independently whole individual. Many marriages fail because people get married before they become single. They latch onto a spouse, identifying themselves with someone else before they have come to terms with their own identity. They marry expecting marriage to make them single. In other words, lacking a personal sense of completeness, they look to marriage to make them whole persons. People who are truly single don’t pursue marriage; they are whole and complete without it. Unmarried people who are not single can’t wait to get married. They think about it all the time, they dream about it, they talk about it, they are always running after somebody to marry them. A truly single person does not even have a desire for marriage.
Adam, the first human being, was single, but he was also unmarried. In his single state, he not only had no interest in marriage, he did not even know about marriage. As God had created him, Adam was complete and fulfilled within himself and his relationship with God. He had no knowledge that he needed anybody else. His whole, fulfilled singleness was the foundation God laid for the entire human race. Singleness, therefore, is the fundamental building block for all human relationships.
Seven Gifts of God to Adam
When God created Adam, He gave the man seven gifts that fulfilled his singleness and made him a complete individual. The first gift that God gave Adam was His image. “Let Us make man in Our image…” (Gen. 1:26). Today we hear a lot about “self-image” and how many people have trouble feeling good about themselves. Adam’s self-image was the image of God. In this context, the word “image” refers to spirit nature and moral character. By design, Adam was endowed with God-like characteristics so that in his spiritual and moral nature he would be the “spitting image” of his Creator.
God’s second gift to Adam was the gift of function. “Let Us make man in Our image, after Our likeness…”. Being made after God’s “likeness” meant not that Adam was to look like God but that he was to function like God. How does God function? He speaks, and whatever He speaks comes to pass. Within his own earthly realm, Adam had the same capacity. His voice carried power and authority. That which he spoke into his own life or domain came to be. For example, Adam had the responsibility of naming all the animals, “and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof. And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field” (Gen. 2:19b-20a).
“Today we hear a lot about ‘self-image’ and how many people have trouble feeling good about themselves. Adam’s self-image was the image of God.”
The third gift Adam received was God’s presence. “And the Lord God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden…” (Gen. 2:15). “Eden” is a strange word, meaning variously, “spot,” “moment,” “presence,” or “open door to heaven.” Adam’s presence in the garden of Eden meant that he was continually in the presence of God.
God’s fourth gift to Adam was the gift of work. Adam was placed in the garden of Eden “to dress it and to keep it” (Gen. 2:15). Work involves becoming. With these first four gifts, Adam knew who he was, how he was to function, where he was, and what he was supposed to do.
Adam’s fifth gift from God was cultivation. God put Adam in the garden of Eden to “dress it.” To dress a garden means to cultivate it. Adam was gifted with the capacity to bring out the very best in everything around him. Part of his responsibility in the garden was to improve his environment, and do it in such a way as to benefit every creature in it.
The sixth gift God gave Adam was protection. Adam was charged with the responsibility to “keep” or protect the garden and everything in it. As steward and lord of his earthly domain, Adam was also its guardian. God endowed him with the capacity to protect and defend those under his care, as well as to protect and defend the presence of God for their benefit.
Finally, as a seventh gift, God gave Adam His Word. “And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, ‘Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat: but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.’” (Gen. 2:16-17). Adam knew who he was, how he functioned, where he was, what he was supposed to do, how to improve his environment, and how to protect his environment. On top of all that, he knew the direct Word of God. By any measure, this is the definition of a whole, fulfilled, well-balanced, and well-adjusted individual.
How to Be an Effective Single
These same seven gifts that Adam received from God are also our legacy as human beings because we are all descended from Adam. That which was lost or distorted through Adam’s sin was restored through the blood of Christ. If you want to be an effective single, follow God’s list.
1) Image.
God’s first gift to us as humans is His image. The first thing you need is not to find somebody else, but to find yourself. You need first to be secure in your own self-image, and that is only found in God. If you don’t know who you are, or if you have a poor sense of self-worth, you have not yet tapped into the God-nature within you and will probably be a liability to anyone you marry. To marry without a strong sense of self-worth and personal identity means that you will spend your life trying to become somebody, usually by attaching yourself to your spouse’s identity. If your spouse also has an identity problem, then you have double trouble. You need to know who you are and be secure and complete and whole within yourself before you get married. If you know who you are—if you have a good self-image—you won’t need anyone in order to be someone.
2) Function.
God gave Adam a specific function and way of operating. He said, “You know who you are, now here is how you work: you function by speaking. Whatever you say, will happen.” This principle is still true. Proverbs 18:21 says, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.” God designed us to function in such a way that what we speak into our lives determines in large measure our environment and circumstances. What we say about ourselves and our situation influences our patterns of thought and belief, and thereby tend to become self-fulfilling prophecies. Before you even consider entering a long-term relationship with someone, get your own tongue sorted out first. Understand that whatever you speak regarding your personal circumstances— positive or negative—will become true in your life. Learn to speak positive and confident truth about yourself before entering a long term relationship. If you know how you function, you won’t have to depend on other people’s approval or other people’s resources in order to make a living. You will be able to take care of yourself using your own abilities, gifts, and talents.
3) Presence.
Before he ever had or even needed the presence of another human being, Adam enjoyed the presence of God. In the garden of Eden Adam was in the right environment to be protected from pollution and corruption. God gave Adam His own presence, thus establishing an eternal principle. The first presence you need in your life is not the presence of a boyfriend or a girlfriend, but the presence of God. Use your unmarried years to get to know God. Pray, study God’s Word, welcome the ministry of the Holy Spirit in your life, and become intimately familiar with God’s presence. When a prospective spouse finds you, he or she should find you in Eden. Ultimately, the presence of God is all you, or any of us, need. Marriage is never appropriate until you are so complete within yourself and your relationship with God that you do not need marriage in order to define yourself.
4) Work.
God gave Adam meaningful work to do so that he could become fully himself and manifest his fullest potential. The Greek word for “work,” eregon, literally means “to become.” When God placed Adam in the garden and charged him to dress it and keep it, he was telling Adam to “become” himself. In other words, Adam was to manifest who he really was. God has the same purpose for you. He wants you to become yourself and manifest who you really are. He has hidden inside you a truly awesome person with an awesome dream, an awesome vision, an awesome design, and awesome abilities. Those qualities are in latent form, and you must work to bring them out. Your first focus should be on becoming yourself, not on finding another “self.”
5) Cultivate.
Adam’s gift of cultivation meant that he could improve whatever he put his hand to. Wherever Adam went and whatever he did, things got better. What about you? Are you secure and self-assured enough in your own identity and with the Lord that you can improve your environment wherever you are? Do people enjoy being around you because you are creative and add a touch of life to every situation, or do they prefer to be somewhere else when you are around because you are negative or overly dependent? Before making a long-term commitment such as marriage, you need to consider this: Are you a “weed” that will constantly choke off the relationship, or are you rich “fertilizer” that will help cultivate and nurture it?
6) Protect.
God gave Adam the responsibility to protect and guard his environment and everything that was in it. That meant that anything that was in Adam’s presence was safe. Can that be said about you? Are people safe in your presence? Do you safeguard their confidence, their trust, and their dignity, no matter what? If you cannot be trusted to protect and honor the worth and personhood of another person, then you are not ready for marriage.
7) God’s Word.
Adam knew God’s Word through direct, face-to-face contact. He understood the principles under which the kingdom of God operated and knew exactly what God expected of him. It is only in the context of knowledge of and obedience to the Word of God that any relationship can maximize its potential. How well do you know God’s Word? How much time do you spend reading, studying, and meditating on it? Just as a potential spouse should find you in Eden, he or she should also find you a diligent student of the Word of God. Knowledge of God’s Word is essential to any truly successful and effective marriage.
If you want to find a good mate and be a good mate, follow God’s list. Don’t look for love first. Love is the last thing you deal with in a relationship. Love does not keep marriage together, and neither does prayer. The most successful marriages are those between two people who have first become truly single: individuals who are whole and complete within themselves. Let me say it again: You are ready for marriage only when you don’t need to be married.
