5 Ways To Dull a Sharp Tongue

A dull knife is one that no longer has a sharp blade. I want to apply this to our tongue.

Notice that dullness does not eliminate the knife. The handle is still there. The blade is still there. Same with the tongue. Dullness does not eliminate the tongue—it is still there. Our mind is still there and the sharper the better. Our personality is still there. Our body and body language are still there. But the tongue, the primary organ for communication, is no longer as sharp as it was. Dullness is bad for a knife, but good for the tongue.

I have often heard it said that so-and-so “is such a sweet person.” This does not refer directly to the tongue, although the tongue, words that come out of the mouth, certainly enters the picture. But so do the other things I just mentioned like the mind and the personality and the body language. A sweet person, for example, usually has a twinkle in their eye. It is good to be strong and persuasive, but not by allowing the different parts of our mechanism of communication to become sharp. Try not to offend those with whom you are communicating. The Bible teaches this when it says, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). If you can dull a sharp tongue, you are on your way to a fruitful life.

Defending Myself

I have a career as a scholar. Part of this means that I come across a certain topic that interests me and I begin to study it. I first seek out people who already know something about the topic, and I interact with them. I read books on the subject. If I can, I buy the books so I am able to underline what I consider important passages. I remember one subject I began studying that had me end up buying and reading 110 books! I organize the material and teach my content whenever I can to see how people might receive the ideas. I like it best when my audience can ask me questions. I try to take my time and not be in a hurry. Then I frequently write my own book on the subject, plus articles and blogs.

I said what I just said in order to show you how thorough I try to be before I release my ideas to the public. In my mind there should be nothing to criticize. But this has hardly ever been true. Most of the time I get tons of criticism. A lot of people disagree with me!

For example, I have a book written by another scholar that contains no fewer than 167 footnotes referring to statements of mine. And, of course, each one of them is a criticism. If you’re curious enough, just Google “C. Peter Wagner heresy” or “C. Peter Wagner spiritual warfare” “or C. Peter Wagner New Apostolic Reformation,” or many more that I won’t bother mentioning. It’s hard to believe that so many people don’t like me! I felt I had to defend myself, and as a result I developed a very sharp tongue. I felt that I had to get even. My books were full of polemics. “Polemics” is the polite academic word for a sharp tongue. I loved to quote my critics and then prove, one way or another, that they were wrong. If they were wrong, that, of course, made me right! I felt good!

Dulling My Sharp Tongue

Obviously, I needed to change. Making yourself look good by making someone else look bad is clearly not the way to live. But I didn’t see it back then. I thought that my critics should get what they deserve. At least that’s the way I felt on the surface. At the same time, I knew deep down that God probably didn’t like this behavior of mine very much. Then God brought two things into my life that convinced me I should change and look for a better pathway.

The first was writing my book, Church Growth and the Whole Gospel. In it I hoped to address the whole world, but especially those who had been criticizing me. The critics had been saying that my field of church growth had no social consciousness. They said that we taught evangelism but not improving society as a whole. This was not correct. We taught social change. However, my critics thought we did not give it the proper priority. And they had ideas as to how to bring about social change that I frankly disagreed with.

Actually, Church Growth and the Whole Gospel was my most scholarly book so far. I spent hours and hours researching what was needed to make my argument as strong as possible. I tore apart my critics by name. I used exact quotes from them and then proved them wrong. I was engaging in high-level polemics. I skillfully made my enemies look wrong because that presumably would make me look right. It made me feel very good. I felt like I was a kid once again winning the King of the Mountain game!

What made me feel even better, the book was published by Harper & Row. This was one of our main academic publishers at the time, and having a book published by them brought a good deal of prestige to seminary professors like me. I was riding high, and I felt a bit sorry for my critics. Until one day God interrupted me! This is the reason I have just been writing the things I have. Don’t forget, this is all about dulling a sharp tongue.

As I recall, this came several weeks, maybe months, after Church Growth and the Whole Gospel had been published. Like I said, God interrupted me. I forget what I was actually doing at the time, maybe praying, but I do remember our short conversation. God said that He wanted to talk to me about Church Growth and the Whole Gospel. I was delighted that He first of all commended me for the book. This was a great relief, as you can imagine.

But then the other shoe fell, so to speak. It came in three words that I will never forget: “No more polemics!” God didn’t explain this because He knew He didn’t need to. Frankly, even though it was God’s word to me I didn’t like it one bit. I had been perfecting my polemics for years, and I didn’t want to let them go. However, “No more polemics!” was for me the equivalent of the 11th Commandment. I had no choice. I must obey.

So I did! You’re welcome to check it out; I no longer used polemics, in other words a sharp tongue, in any of my books or teachings after that.

A Misbehaving Doctoral Student

The second event that caused me to dull my sharp tongue came soon after what I just described. One of my duties at Fuller Seminary was to teach in the Doctor of Ministry program in which our student body consisted of practicing pastors as well as denominational and parachurch ministries officials. I enjoyed this very much and I saw no fewer than 2,500 pastors take my two-week courses in church growth. One of those doctoral students was an executive in one of America’s largest denominations, a leader with whom I had been consulting for quite a while. We had become good friends.

After he graduated, my friend proceeded to take the outline from one of my lectures and use it word-for-word as the chapter titles of a new book he was writing. When I got a copy of his book, I was shocked. He had no permission from me to do this. He didn’t even give any credit to me for his chapter titles. I was shocked. This was a clear and blatant case of stealing intellectual property! I felt this called for the use of a sharp tongue. I spent a good bit of time and thought in writing him a long and piercing letter, designed to make my friend feel the wrath of God for the rest of his life! After I drafted it, I gave it to my wife, Doris, to type.

Now this will require an explanation. It happened around thirty years ago. We had no cell phones or computers or Internet or email. At the time, Doris was my administrative assistant. Part of her job description was to process my correspondence. I would write all of my letters in longhand on a yellow pad. Doris would feed into her typewriter the appropriate letterhead plus the number of pieces of carbon paper necessary, and type out my letter. She would then bring me the original to sign. When I did, she folded it properly and sent it out by U.S. mail.

We were using this procedure with the letter I had written to my friend, when a strange thing happened. Doris typed the letter, then walked back into my office with a rather defiant look in her eye. She handed it to me with the words, “I’m not going to mail this!” Such a thing had never happened before. Who did she think she was? Wasn’t I supposed to be the boss? However, she sat down next to my desk and started explaining to me how the letter would not really solve any problems, and at the same time it would make an enemy out of my friend. She didn’t use the exact words, but she was telling me that I needed to dull my sharp tongue. I told her to give me two weeks, and much to my surprise, I found myself agreeing with her, so I tore up the letter!

That letter was never mailed, nor any letter like it. And guess what? My friend and I are still friends!

My Outlook on Criticism

As you will have surmised, this changed my whole outlook on criticism. I used to think that my critics were waving red flags in my face, but now I try to see them as waving yellow flags. Yes, they do think that I am wrong. Yes, they do use polemics against me. But I have learned to take a higher road and respect them as goodhearted people attempting to advance the Kingdom in their own way. I can’t say that I read all the criticisms levied against me. However, I do try to dip into them from time to time so as to keep adequately informed. All of this helps me to maintain what I consider a much healthier attitude toward my critics. For example:

• I admire the serious study my critics give to my writings.

• I find that most of the time my critics quote me accurately. I would guess that 90 percent of the time, my critics are correct in what they think I am saying about a certain subject. They simply disagree with my conclusions. And, certainly, they have a perfect right to disagree with me on whatever they want.

• I take it as a compliment that, once my critics have read what I have written, they think it is important enough for them to sit down and write, sometimes pages, addressing my ideas. A much worse way to be treated would be to be ignored by my peers!

As I have worked with these situations over the years, I have attempted to introduce a bit of humor. Now when I get word that so-and-so has criticized me, I usually respond immediately, “Well, did they spell my name right?” This ordinarily evokes a chuckle, even from those who have heard it many times before.

What Can We Learn from This?

To the reader: Doris here picking up on what Peter was never able to finish. However, he left an outline of what was to appear in the rest of this chapter and it was very bare bones. I have heard him expound on this verbally and think I know the gist of what he was going to say.

He left a paper with three Scriptures that molded his thinking and acting on how to dull a sharp tongue:

• Proverbs 15:1: “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

• Proverbs 21:23: “Whoever guards his mouth and tongue keeps his soul from troubles.”

• James 1:19-20 (NIV): “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.”

Then his brief outline contained five points. I personally have seen him act in an extremely gentle and generous way when it came to his critics, especially to his close friends. I have no idea how he intended to flesh these points out, but they speak volumes on their own. I can honestly say, having lived sixty-six years as his wife, and also for many of those years as a co-laborer in the work he did, and as his secretary and assistant, he was a genuine person—what you saw was what you got. He was never two-faced and was thoroughly honest.

Peter’s outline read: “This all starts in the mind. What you think is what you say.”

In the following numbered outline, everything in bold print is what I found. All other words are my (Doris’) observations, or what I think Peter would have said. I am sorry no illustrations for these were attached, but remained locked up in his brilliant mind.

Five Ways to Dull a Sharp Tongue

1. Go for a win-win situation.

Never try to make yourself look good and the other person look inferior, unintelligent, or bad in any way. Elevate your opponent to the highest possible level and always speak kindly about him or her. There may be times when you simply will agree to disagree. But remain friends.

2. Avoid assigning guilt.

Don’t ever resort to the “I’m right, you’re wrong” argument. Discuss things calmly and coolly. No accusations. Simply differing points of view. Once again, avoid making an enemy out of a friend with a condemning statement.

3. Count the success of others as your success.

I have watched Peter demonstrate this time and time again. He delighted in connecting people to further their careers, in giving the outstanding up-and-comers a platform, in sharing his influence, in endorsing their books, in mentoring promising young thinkers and scholars. He was particularly a champion for gifted women, especially teachers, preachers, and intercessors who were so often passed over by other prominent colleagues. He opened the door for several who are well known internationally today. And he delighted in doing it.

4. Look at the other person’s point of view.

Peter was a brilliant scholar. He was on debating teams all through high school, and graduated from all of his many degree programs as “summa cum laude” or “magna cum laude.” But he was also a very humble person. God helped him to be humble because pride could have crept in often along the way. When Peter and John Wimber were working together, John said in my hearing that Peter was an extremely gentle and generous man. I would add to that, he was also a very humble genius. He examined all points of view carefully, and this helps one see the other person’s point of view. It is extremely valuable to take the time to thoroughly understand the other person’s point of view. The opponent feels like he or she has been given a thorough hearing and an opportunity to explain their argument. Another good way to stay friends.

5. Manage your anger.

I have seen Peter falsely accused of some things, but he learned to be gracious. He especially seemed to lower his voice if something got heated. God taught him this early on after becoming a Christian in 1950. So adding to that above list of “Genius, gentle, generous, humble (I couldn’t find an alliterative word beginning with “g” that meant humble), he was gracious and godly. I thoroughly believe that he, like King David, was “a man after God’s own heart.” He did not retaliate when treated shabbily. But we often did see God deal with injustices on Peter’s behalf. He did not display anger publicly. And my guess is that would be the advice he would give on managing anger. My guess is he would advise an angry person to take it to the Lord in prayer and turn it over for God to take care of, and let go of it.

Always keep that “soft answer” in mind if the temptation of unleashing a sharp tongue arises. Do not yield to that temptation! A soft answer is pleasing to God and a key to a fruitful life.