God Understands Divorce
Spotted on a sign near a Salt Lake City courthouse: “Love is grand. Divorce is 50 grand.” (1)
God’s Divorce
I gave faithless Israel her certificate of divorce and sent her away because of her adulteries (Jeremiah 3:8)
God has been married and divorced. C. Bruce White, author of Marriage, Divorce and Reconciliation, comments:
Therefore, He can understand and appreciate the kind of feeling, the kind of experience, through which people go in those matters. But we also want to point out further on that God’s interest was always in reconciliation. God did not divorce Israel because of one simple act of idolatry. The mercy, the tenderness, the forgiveness, and the desire for reconciliation was in the heart of God with Israel. It was not that Israel made a momentary mistake nor made a slip in the relationship that motivated God to divorce Israel. (2)
It was God’s desire to remain married to Israel. He gave her chance after chance after chance to come back to Him and remain faithful, but she refused. She demonstrated an unending pattern of unfaithfulness that continued until God said “no more,” and He then divorced her.
Ezekiel 16 provides us with a parallel look at God’s desire for Israel. You will need to go and read this lengthy passage in order to appreciate the full effect of God’s persistent love. However, I will give you a brief synopsis of the early part of Chapter 16.
God begins, as He does many times in Scripture, by going to the prophet and filling him in on what Israel is doing and where she has fallen, strayed, and sinned. The prophets find themselves in a position not unlike marriage counseling, “trying to get Israel to repent, turn around, to be reconciled to God.” (3)
Ezekiel narrated the story of God’s love for Israel from the beginning. Ezekiel said that on the day that Israel was born, no one had pity or compassion on her; she was like a newborn thrown out into a field. God found her kicking in her own blood. He took her in and said, “Live!” He helped her grow and develop until the time that He made a solemn oath and entered into a covenant with her, and she became His. He took care of her, adorned her with clothes, jewelry, and crowns. Her food was the best. She was beautiful and became queen. She had the best and was the best. She had it made. No one could be a better husband to her than God was. This sounds like a set-up for a happily-ever-after ending, and it should have been. Instead, we find a bride that began to trust in her own beauty, and used it along with her fame to become a prostitute, giving herself to any and everyone.
God took Israel from the depths of nothingness, healed her, helped her grow, married her, and lavished His riches upon her, and she became an unfaithful wife, who quickly developed into a prostitute. As we see in the writings of Ezekiel, Jeremiah, Hosea, and numerous other passages, God was brokenhearted. He sent counselors to persuade her to return. He offered love and forgiveness and begged and pleaded all to no avail. Finally, after all avenues had been exhausted, in the face of a proud and unrepentant heart, when there was nothing left to do, God divorced His bride. This was not what He wanted, but His bride had left Him no choice. God was grieved.
I must emphasize that God understands divorce. He understands the feelings of betrayal, the pain of having to initiate divorce, the issues of property, and the broken lives of innocent children. If you have gone through a divorce, then you know the devastating, gut-wrenching pain that is unlike any other, and God understands it as well. He has been there and is equipped better than any other to get in the trenches with you.
“I Hate Divorce”
Many individuals have spoken these words; those who have gone through divorce, those who have had to address the aftermath of divorce (such as teachers and counselors), but most notably, the Creator Himself. God hates divorce. He hates it in part because it is the result of broken covenants and abandoned promises. But why else does He have an intense hatred of this act? I believe it has a great deal to do with the wreckage that results from divorce, the shattered lives, and all of the other heart-piercing, logistical pieces. Let’s take off our politically correct, rose-colored glasses for a few minutes and examine quotes from interviews, shared by Ron Durham in Happily Ever After, from a variety of individuals and just what they are facing when they encounter divorce.
“Sally, an eighteen-year-old, speaks frankly to an interviewer: ‘You never get over it; that’s the thing. I mean people are real worried about you at first, but then they figure it’s been a couple of years and you must be adjusted….But it never goes away. It always is part of you, and it affects things you do.’” (4)
“I can’t tell you how painful it was to have to leave my kids, both initially and then at the end of visits. After a period of five or six weeks when I wasn’t able to see our little one-year-old, she didn’t recognize me. She didn’t know who I was! The blank look on her face…”
“And to leave my children after an extended weekend visit—the way they cried—it was like I was ripping their arms off or something. I would drive away crying and screaming. The frustration that built up was excruciating. I can understand now, someone kidnapping their kids.”
“Jock’s anger came out in kicking and hitting—just tantrums. And he couldn’t express it verbally. I knew what was driving him crazy, but I couldn’t help him put it into words. But the minute we got back together he was fine.” (5)
“The fact is, with the permissiveness of the 1960s, divorce assumed a positive reputation that is out of all proportion with the blunt negatives experienced by many who try it. It is a step taken with the culturally supported belief that it enhances life, when in fact, it often impoverishes it.” (6)
Divorce’s Impact on Participants
After nearly four decades of this social experiment that has led to runaway divorce statistics, have we found that divorce is not a good thing? It is way beyond that—divorce is dog awful! The negative impact of divorce runs the gamut from issues of health to those of finances. Let’s briefly touch on a few of the more prevalent ones and look at some things that we have learned.
Divorce has been shown to contribute to health problems for many of the individuals involved. It led the authors of a book for medical students to write: “It is wiser to improve marriage rather than dissolve it, and physicians should encourage marital therapy for troubled marriages.” (7)
Chronic loneliness, social isolation, and the sudden loss of love have been identified as “significant contributors to illness and premature death.” While on the other hand, physical health is actually enhanced by an intimate relationship in marriage. (8)
“Emotional loneliness springs from the need for intimacy with a spouse or a best friend. A person who is emotionally lonely feels that there is no one he can absolutely count on. Symptoms include feelings of tension, vigilance against possible threat, restlessness, loss of appetite, an inability to fall asleep, and a pervasive low-level anxiety.” (9)
Working to avoid loneliness can become a monumental relentless task. Yet, another paints the picture accurately when he states, “You need to know that divorce leads to loneliness as sure as Saturday leads to Sunday.” (10)
Michelle Weiner-Davis points out that research has revealed:
As compared to single men, married men are better role models, better providers and, in general, make better fathers.
When examined in relation to single, divorced, or widowed individuals, those who are married “have better sex lives, engage in fewer high-risk activities such as substance abuse, live longer, and are happier! (11)
Divorce is the ripping apart of a couple and a family that was never designed to be taken apart. It doesn’t affect everyone the same. For some, the consequences may seem minimal, while for others they feel suffocating. But for the most part, if you have been in the middle of it, or journeyed with a friend through it, you know the pain that feels like it could stop life. And if you know that pain, you have a glimpse of what contributes to God’s statement, “I hate divorce.”
Divorce’s Impact on Children
Numerous authors and researchers have written about the ways that children are impacted by the decision of divorce. Below are just a few highlights from those studies.
Children of divorce are nearly 10 percent more likely to develop health problems, both mental and physical, than other kids. (12)
Some of the extremes that are seen developmentally in children are: “helplessness, typical of babies and toddlers. Guilt, typical of preschoolers. Sadness, in children ages six to eight. Anger among children nine to twelve. False maturity, among teenagers.” (13)
Divorce creates havoc in relation to a child’s self-identity and self-esteem. (14)
“Divorce will leave your child with the inner feeling that his or her world is uncertain and unpredictable.” (15)
Children from divorces are much more likely to commit suicide than children from intact homes. (16)
They are also more likely to spend time in jail. (17)
They are at a greater risk for having their own marriages fail. (18)
Live in Peace
The apostle Paul writes in First Corinthians 7 and reiterates Jesus’ words that we are not to divorce. In his discussion of marriage, divorce, and unbelievers who leave a marriage, he states that “God has called us to live in peace” (1 Cor. 7:15). We oftentimes would like to force the other person to do the right thing. Yet, we find this technique to be quite unsuccessful. Therefore, Paul is saying, “Do what you can, but you can’t force anyone to do anything. So, even in these situations, live a life of peace.”
Yet, divorce typically leads to increased conflict, negative emotions, increased stress, and anything but peace. Following a divorce, spouses frequently assume, or at least hope, that the other person will just fade into the sunset, leave them alone, and be out of his or her life. Yet, this is rarely the case. You may be appalled at how your ex-spouse continues to come at you, attacking at every opportunity. If you have children, you will have little choice but to continue to talk with your ex-spouse. You have to schedule visitations, address vacations and holidays, deal with doctor’s appointments, soccer games, and any number of other circumstances. If anything goes wrong while you have the children in your custody, then you may hear accusations of incompetence and irresponsibility. A child of a recent client in the middle of a nasty divorce, fell and hurt herself while running and playing. The mother took the child to the emergency room to make sure that all was OK and called the father to let him know what had happened. While she thought that she was doing a good thing in keeping the father informed, upon arriving at the hospital, he called the police to make a child-abuse charge. Fortunately, upon discovering that a custody battle was in process, the police were able to see through the manipulative ploy and dismissed the accusation. Yet, this is a prime example of just how destructively ugly divorces frequently become.
Ouch – Stop it!
If you have, or are, contemplating divorce, what you have read may feel overly harsh, bleak, and downright overwhelming and even legalistic. Like Sgt. Friday from the television show “Dragnet,” I have tried to present “just the facts.” I know they seem hard, but it is essential that I “truth” to you in this area. It is essential that you know.
Why does God so clearly state that He hates divorce? For all of the reasons listed above and many more. God is in the business of redeeming and restoring lives, not in destroying them.
Yet, destroying is exactly what divorce does to lives, relationships, churches, and communities. This is why Jesus says, “Let no man separate what God has joined.” God understands, more than anyone, the heartbreaking pain of divorce. And even in the face of blatant unfaithfulness, God still desires restoration. While God divorced Israel, He still desired for her return. He said that if she would return, “I will not be angry forever.” He said that if she would just acknowledge her guilt and return, then things would be good again, “for I am your husband” (Jer. 3:11,14).
Praise God that He is full of grace. He knows that we regularly learn needed lessons only after we have destroyed something, and it is often beyond repair. Yet, God still loves us and still redeems us. So, what does God say to those of us in this situation?
By sharing facts, statistics, and Scriptures with you, please know that I do not do so from a high and separated, lofty tower. I do so recognizing your pain of possible betrayal, abuse, or any other number of emotions that push us toward divorce. I have personally been there (a story I share in my book God Understands Divorce). More importantly, God has been there. All of the pain and brokenness are wrapped in, and around, these truths. When our marriages seem the bleakest, remember that God’s Word and eternal truths were given for these very times. In our darkest days, let us acknowledge that He knows what He is talking about and honor that with our choices. If we do, His blessings in our marriage and relationships just might surprise us.
Notes
Readers Digest (Pleasantville, NY: January 2008).
Bruce C. White, Marriage, Divorce, and Reconciliation (Columbus, OH: Brentwood Christian Communications, 1984), 32.
Ibid., 61.
Ron Durham, Happily Ever After (Wheaton, IL: Victor Books, 1993), 28.
Ibid., 29-30.
Ibid., 9.
Michael McManus, Marriage Savers (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1993), 30.
Gary Chapman, Hope For The Separated (Chicago, IL: Moody Press, 1996), 88-89.
Ibid., 89-90.
Gary Richmond, The Divorce Decision (Waco, TX: Word Books, 1988), 94.
Michelle Weiner-Davis, The Divorce Remedy (New York: Simon & Schuster, 2002), 21-22.
Ron Durham, Happily Ever After (Wheaton, IL: Victor Books,1993), 35.
Ibid., 34.
John P. Splinter, The Complete Divorce Recovery Handbook (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1992), 122.
Ibid., 27.
Ibid., 33.
Ibid., 40.
Ibid., 40.
