Spiritual Parenting: De-Escalating Toddler Meltdowns with Holy Spirit

We’ve all been there.

Whether at home, in the park, supermarket, at a friends, when all of a sudden you begin to see the telltale signs that your little one is going to go into one apocalyptic meltdown! And it could be over anything. Literally anything. The wrong coloured cup, the toy that they didn’t want but now their sibling has it they must have it, the imagined boo-boo, or in our case being reminded that hitting your little brother is not a good choice.  

As pastors of our church, myself and my husband have people over every Sunday after church for food (as part of connecting with our church family and people getting to know us more too). And to my horror, on this particular Sunday, after telling her say sorry to her brother for hitting him, my two-year-old began to scream (a scream so shrill and persistent—one that only toddlers seem to be able to do). And so I excused myself and calmly suggested to her that we go to her room, her safe space, to chat and process. She was less than pleased with my suggestion and as I went to pick her up she made her body all limp so I was half-carrying, half-dragging her, as I (mortified in front of our guests) struggled to carry her two feet. In her bedroom I sat down with her on the floor and gave her space.

In my career, I have worked with behavioural teams supporting parents to help their children manage these overwhelming and big feelings. I have over the two and a half years of my eldest child’s life used strategies to help her that I have learnt from listening to professionals. Though it must be said, that it is much easier to implement strategies and tools with other people’s children than your own!  

Connection over Correction

Now, in our family we have chosen not to do “time-outs”. Whilst I agree that children need space to calm down, I had a powerful encounter with Father where I felt the breaking of His heart over children being left to manage their emotions by themselves when they are in distress. Children are not capable of regulating their emotions and processing their emotions by themselves (goodness knows even some adults can’t). And so we need to act as a frame for them to help them through. So instead of time-out, we do “time-in”. This is where we go to a safe space (if at home her bedroom), we sit on the floor together (though this can sometimes take time if my little one is rolling around in sadness or anger), and we begin to calmly narrate what is happening in her.  This is powerful as it gives her a narrative, a story and words to her emotions and what is happening in her body. We label the emotion; “I can see you are angry/upset”. We echo the emotion and how it must feel; “Urgh, that must feel so hard and tough. I can see how that would make you want to scream, it must feel so unfair that this happened.” We remind her that we are here, that we are not going anywhere (despite her behaviour), “Mummy is going to sit here and when you’re ready, I’m here to help.” She can scream and hit out but we remain calm and neutral. Keeping on repeating the narrative to her.  

Empowering Good Choice Making

Eventually after several minutes I can see that she is beginning to flag. She’s running out of steam and at this point I can see that she is ready for me to move towards positive strategies and reconciliation. These are so important.  Give them tools to manage their emotions so that next time they feel overwhelmed they can remember and recognise these healthy tools. I opened up my arms to her and beckon her in “why don’t you come her and let mummy hug you?”. The invite gives her choice, an option, free will. As Christian’s we all know the power and importance of free will. Free will enables us to make decisions towards self control (a fruit of the Spirit), build trust towards those who give us free will options and grow confidence in our ability to make good choices. All positive things that we want our little ones to be able to do.  

Breathe

Hugs are also great as the physical pressure of hugs release positive feelings within the body and reduce tension and any effects of stress. We sit for a moment. I allow her to just breathe. Breath is also so good for emotional regulation, but also when we breathe, we are breathing in the very breath of God. For it is His breath in our lungs that give us life. So as we breathe, we breathe Him in. So this is such a great tool to get anyone to do, to simply breathe. Allowing God to fill them. I review with her what happened: “You looked like you really struggled when I said to not hit your brother. I bet that felt unfair because he wound you up and you didn’t know how to deal with that big feeling except through hitting him.” I offer her advice on what she could do next time (so giving her healthy strategies to help her), “Next time this happens, why don’t you say ‘mummy help’ or ‘come get me’?”

Time-In with Jesus, Identity and Truth

I remind her of who she is and speak life over her identity (she needs to know and be reminded of who I and God see her as, not what her behaviour may say about her or what the enemy may try to tell her who she is in this moment). “I know you are a kind, loving girl and sister. I’ve seen you share your toys, cuddle your brother when he’s sad, bring him food when he’s hungry. You could even get your child to ask Jesus, Father and Holy Spirit what They are saying about them in this moment. We call that “having a time-in with Jesus”. This strengthens their bond with God, they learn to hear His voice, to have Him be part of them learning to calm down, to be affirmed by Him.

Reconciliation and Reconnection

We do reconciliation, this brings reconnection. Children in these moments of overwhelm are looking for reconnection with us. If we allow disconnect it breaks relationships, which is the last thing we want. We want to be so connected to our children that know that no matter what our hearts desire and our actions are always for unity. I ask her if there’s anything that she wants to say sorry for. Which she inevitably does. We make sure it is based around statements of behaviour and action rather than identify, “I did vs I am”. In our home we say the words “I forgive you” because forgiveness has weight. When we forgive, we release ourselves and the person from chains or bondage, of sin, shame, guilt etc.  

Modelling Repentance

And then here’s what God told me. He said, “Ash, now it’s your turn. What are you sorry for?” I was like, “Oh, me?” And God began to remind me that both of us were involved in this. That there may have been things I did that didn’t help or caused her upset.  That there is importance of modelling repentance and forgiveness too. So in these situations I tell her what I am sorry for too.  Usually it’s something like “I’m sorry I didn’t help when I said…”  

Despite our mistakes, our misbehaviour, our misdemeanours, God never pushes us away. His desire is for connection, unity, relationship. As He models this to us as our Father, we get the joy of learning from Him and replicating it to our children. Pointing the way to Him.