I’m Not Your Concubine
The definition of a concubine is a woman who cohabits with a man to whom she is not legally married, especially one regarded as socially or sexually subservient; mistress; (among polygamous peoples) a secondary wife, usually of inferior rank.
So, what is a concubine? In the Old Testament, it was common for a man to have many concubines. Yes, God allowed this but it doesn’t mean He condoned or approved it. A concubine could be taken without any of the ceremonies or benefits of a marriage relationship. All a man needed were the resources and desire to own one. The position was that of a slave or servant and she was always considered inferior to a wife.
The law required a concubine to provide sex for her master and to have and raise the children. She was also expected to wash his clothes, wash the dishes, clean the house, cook his meals, plus any other duties he wished her to fulfill. She had none of the privileges or inheritance that a wife had. There was no obligation on the part of the man to provide emotional or relational support—no genuine love.
Do you sometimes feel like a concubine? Do you sometimes feel like you provide all of these services but without love, honor, or respect from your husband? Do you feel like you are doing all the giving and he’s doing all the taking?
You may have felt, or still feel, like a concubine. I’ve heard women say, “I am so lonely. I feel like my husband doesn’t even know I exist. He comes home late from work, eats dinner, falls asleep on the couch, then gets up and goes to bed. He doesn’t meet my needs emotionally, spiritually, or physically.” These women are ready to scream or just leave because the void in their hearts grow every day. The husbands say, “We’re doing great. I don’t know why she’s feeling this way. I’m working hard to provide for our family. I tell her I’m doing this for her. What more can I do?” What’s the problem here?
Many marriages start off on the wrong foot. It’s broken from the beginning because the man and woman were selfishly using each other to fulfill their own needs and desires. So as the years go on, the problem escalates. The husband feels like his wife is a nag if she asks him to change. The wife feels like her husband is too domineering if he asks her to change. Is this too much to ask? No! We should all be changing as we grow older together. Can we change each other? No, but we can pray for each other, love each other, and encourage each other in the right way. When we do, God will change us and show us how to be better spouses to each other.
My husband, Paul and I have changed dramatically through the years. Thank God, we didn’t stay the same. Did we want to change? Not so much in the early years. In the beginning, I’m sure Paul thought I should do all the changing, and I felt he needed to do all the changing. And of course, I was right… Just kidding!
However, as we grew older, and God “intruded” into our lives, we both knew we had lots of changing to do.
Worth It? Absolutely!
We were at our granddaughter’s wedding, and the question was asked, “How did you two make your marriage last for fifty-two years?” My answer—there was a lot of forgiveness, love, and commitment. Paul agreed, but he said he should have added, “and a good woman who will be patient enough for her husband to grow up.” Easy? Absolutely not! Worth it? Absolutely!
I’ve always said that submission is an attitude of the heart. There’s an old saying, “I may be standing on the outside, but I’m sitting on the inside.” This isn’t submission. I believe women are seeking answers to life. Women are shouting, “I want my rights.” We want equality and liberation, and many believe this is the avenue of fulfillment. However, there are those who have discovered that Christ, and Christ alone, is the only One who can fill that void in their heart.
There are those who say it’s all about a man’s macho ego, so we have to give in and let him have his way to pacify him. No, it’s about our place, or duty, according to God’s Word. We have an authority over us that God placed in our lives to protect and lead us. This is a good thing. This doesn’t mean we are not equal or that we are of less value; God’s Word says that we are the weaker vessel. Read First Peter chapter 3 in the Amplified Bible to get the whole picture. You may argue with me, but you can’t argue with God. His Word is truth!
Now, please don’t shut me out because of this word “submission.” So many of us thought of this word or still think of this word as a negative. However, it seems we balk at this word only when it’s talking about submission to our husbands. We bow up! We are determined never to let a man tell us what to do, how to live, how to dress, or where to go. We are not going to be bossed by our husbands. We are not going to be controlled by them. Listen, I understand. I am a woman! I am Eve’s daughter, as is every woman on the face of this earth.
For many years, I had the wrong concept of submission. I didn’t feel like I had the right to speak up or share my opinions with Paul; and yes, he felt the same way. He was the boss and couldn’t be questioned. I let Paul rule over me as though I was his child rather than his wife and equal to him. He felt like he could talk to me and treat me any way he wanted, and I didn’t have the right to disagree with him. So, we were both wrong on this issue of submission. We both interpreted the word “helpmeet” wrong. It took devastation in our marriage to awaken both of us to the true meaning of submission and understand the powerful position of a helpmeet.
I remember telling Paul, after our position on submission changed, that I submit to him because I choose to, not because he forces me to. I submit because I know this is right in God’s sight and His Word makes it plain that I should. A man can’t make a woman submit. It’s a choice she makes to be obedient to God’s Word and honor her husband. It’s a matter of the heart. Does this make her inferior to her husband? Absolutely not! This is her place of protection.
I believe most women would agree with us when it comes to having a bad attitude at times when we don’t get our way in a situation. I still battle this from time to time, and I’ve been married more than fifty years.
Genesis 2:18 says, “And the Lord God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper [ay’zer] comparable to him.”
This word “helper” or “helpmeet,” is a powerful word that is used in other verses of the Bible speaking about God being our help: “O Israel, trust in the Lord; He is their help [ay’zer] and their shield” (Psalm 115:9); “Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our help [ay’zer] and our shield” (Psalm 33:20); “Happy is he who has the God of Jacob for his help [ay’zer], whose hope is in the Lord his God” (Psalm 146:5).
The word “help” in these verses is talking about our Lord being our help in time of need. The very same meaning as help-meet when it speaks of our position as a wife. How amazing is that! How desperately we need the Lord in every area of our lives! We need Him to encourage us. We need Him to be our strength and refuge. We need Him in times of trouble. We need Him to protect us. We need Him at all times—the same way a husband needs his wife to be his “help” at all times. Our role, as a wife, is vital.
I use the Amplified Bible to cite the next few verses because I like the way it states the truth about our role as wives. These are not suggestions from God but commands. It’s our duty as godly Christian women to submit to those God has put in authority over us. Let me reiterate, they are not suggestions! They are commands! God didn’t say love Him with all your heart, mind, and soul if you feel like it. He didn’t say submit to your husbands as you do toward Me if you feel like it. This is the world’s view, not God’s!
Wives, be subject to your husbands [out of respect for their position as protector, and their accountability to God], as is proper and fitting in the Lord (Colossians 3:18 AMP).
Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as [a service] to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as Christ is head of the church, Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also wives should be subject to their husbands in everything [respecting both their position as protector and their responsibility to God as head of the house] (Ephesians 5:22-24 AMP).
In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands [subordinate, not as inferior, but out of respect for the responsibilities entrusted to husbands and their accountability to God, and so partnering with them] so that even if some do not obey the word [of God], they may be won over [to Christ] without discussion by the godly lives of their wives, when they see your modest and respectful behavior [together with your devotion and appreciation—love your husband, encourage him, and enjoy him as a blessing from God] (1 Peter 3:1-2 AMP).
The admonition Peter gives us in this Scripture passage begins with, “In the same way.” So, this means there were instructions that Peter gave before he begins with our role as wives. His admonition is to all Christians. He starts by saying, “Because of God’s abundant and boundless mercy we are born again.” We are spiritually transformed, renewed, and set apart for His purpose. We have an ever-living hope, and we can be assured, because of the resurrection of Jesus Christ, we have an inheritance that is imperishable and undefiled and unfading and reserved in Heaven for us. “Born again” means we are new babies in Christ. We need to be cared for and taught how to act and live.
Peter says to put aside our old life and be holy—pure, morally blameless, sacred. We are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a peculiar people, so we should show this in our manner of life. We were not like this in our past life, but we have obtained mercy from our Father, so let’s live a godly life. He goes on to tell us to submit to every ordinance of man for the Lord’s sake—kings, presidents, governors—in other words, those who have authority over us. He says that servants should be submissive to their masters; we can relate this to our day as employees should be submissive to their employers.
I have a very dear friend, Rosie Brieden, who is ninety-two years of age. She is in a home where I can visit her often. She and her husband, Elmer, who is in Heaven, lived on a dairy farm and raised six children. My brother and I spent many days at the farm, so we were like her children. I call her my second mom.
I visited Rosie while writing this blog on submission, so I asked her point of view on this subject. She is from another generation, so I thought maybe her views would be a little bit different from today’s generation. Rosie said, “I just did what Elmer told me to do.” Now, Elmer was an easy guy to get along with, which makes it a lot easier to submit. However, he could be stubborn! His refusal to travel away from the farm would frustrate Rosie, as she wanted to go visit people or travel a little. She said she would get so mad at him, but then she would get over it because she knew she couldn’t change his mind by being angry.
Should Elmer have considered her desires? Yes, but he didn’t. So, for her to stay angry about his refusal to travel would have been futile. She adapted her life to his, which is biblical (see 1 Peter 3:5 Amplified Bible). I know today’s generation has been indoctrinated by the world’s point of view or Hollywood’s stand, portrayed in the movies, on submission when it comes to a wife being in submission. However, the truth hasn’t changed.
The Bible isn’t some old book that’s out of date. The following are just as true today as they were in biblical times.
What do husbands want from their wives?
Respect!
Not speaking to them like they’re children.
Not treating them like children; he didn’t marry his mother.
Not questioning their authority.
Never saying, “You need to be like so and so, then I will respect you.”
Never belittling what he has provided.
Never correcting him in public. (“No, honey, it was Monday, not Tuesday. It was 1:15 not 2 o’clock. May I tell you something? No one cares what day or what time things happened. It’s the meaning behind what’s being told.”)
Keeping a clean house.
Respecting him above other men.
Appreciating his hard work.
Never interfering when he disciplines the children.
John Piper wrote the following about submission:
If you bring to the Bible your preconceptions, you might just throw the baby out with the bathwater, and say, “If that’s what submission means, then I’m out of here.” That would be very sad. You may be right, you may be wrong, but it would be sad. I wrote down six things submission to a husband in marriage is not:
Submission is not agreeing on everything.
Submission does not mean leaving your brain at the altar.
Submission does not mean you do not try to influence your husband.
Submission is not putting the will of the husband before the will of Christ.
Submission does not mean getting all of her spiritual strength through her husband.
Submission does not mean living or acting in fear.
Submission is the defined calling of a wife to honor and affirm her husband’s leadership, and so help to carry it through according to her gifts.
Be subject for the Lord’s sake to every human institution, whether it be to the emperor as supreme, or to governors as sent by him to punish those who do evil and to praise those who do good. For this is the will of God, that by doing good you should put to silence the ignorance of foolish people. Live as people who are free, not using your freedom as a cover-up for evil, but living as servants of God. Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor.
Servants, be subject to your masters [employers] with all respect, not only to the good and gentle but also to the unjust. For this is a gracious thing, when, mindful of God, one endures sorrows while suffering unjustly.For what credit is it if, when you sin and are beaten [unjustly treated] for it, you endure? But if when you do good and suffer for it you endure this is a gracious thing in the sight of God. For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps (1 Peter 2:13-21 ESV).
We see in these Scripture verses from First Peter that everyone is under an authority. Submission is a vital part of the Christian life. Whether we like it or not, or agree with it or not, we have authorities over us.
Submission Is the Key
So, what is submission?
Submission is the key to unity and harmony in all human relationships.
Therefore, if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort provided by love, any fellowship in the Spirit, any affection or mercy, complete my joy and be of the same mind, by having the same love, being united in spirit, and having one purpose. Instead of being motivated by selfish ambition or vanity, each of you should, in humility, be moved to treat one another as more important than yourself. Each of you should be concerned not only about your own interests, but about the interests of others as well (Philippians 2:1-4).
Satan’s fall and his on-going rebellion is a manifestation of his refusal to submit to God; he likewise tempts men to follow in his footsteps. Satan abused his power and position, acting independently of God (see Isaiah 14:14; Ezekiel 28:11-15).4
In the Garden, the man was to submit to God by trusting Him. However, Adam and Eve decided they would do what they wanted and ate of the tree God had told them not even to touch, much less eat from (see Genesis 3:3). They refused to submit to God’s authority. They wanted their own way.
Submission is not man’s idea but God’s. Submission is an attitude of the heart. A person may obey, but their heart is far from being submissive. I’ve heard the saying, “I may be standing on the outside, but I’m sitting on the inside.” That’s called rebellion; an unwillingness to submit!
I don’t believe we get married to destroy each other. I believe we all start out wanting to have a great marriage, a great relationship with our hubby, build a great life together, love each other, and have great success in life.
Jeff Haden said:
Professional success is important to everyone, but still, success in business and in life means different things to different people, as well it should. But one fact is universal: Real success, the kind that exists on multiple levels, is impossible without building great relationships. Real success is impossible unless you treat other people with kindness, regard and respect. After all, you can be a rich jerk…but you will also be a lonely jerk.
I agree with Haden, but I will add that it must start in the home. If we don’t treat our spouse with kindness and respect and have regard for him, what we do and say outside the home is a “farce.” Kindness and respect must start in the home. What good is money, fame, accolades from friends, going to church, reading your Bible, praying, or having popularity if your home is in a mess of constant turmoil and strife?
The greatest relationship outside of Christ should be with our husbands and then our children. Yes, I put your husband in front of your children. He must come first. Remember, your children are going to grow up, find mates, start their own lives without mom and dad, and have their own children. We, as parents, aren’t the most important people in their lives, anymore. I know it’s hard to swallow, but it’s true. Ask any parent whose children have “flown the coop”! This is why our relationship with our spouse is vital.
In Exodus chapter 20, God gave us the Ten Commandments. The first four pertain to our love, respect, honor, and commitment to God and the next six tell us how to treat each other as human beings. However, there were hundreds of laws given for the people to keep. Jesus summed it all up in Matthew 22:37-40 when He said:
You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets (ESV).
Your closest neighbor is your husband. So, as you read this commandment from Matthew’s Gospel, put it in your heart. Remind yourself daily of Jesus’ words. It wasn’t a suggestion—it was a command. Is it always easy? No, but it is possible because we have the Holy Spirit of God living in us to empower us to make the right choices in life.
I had just turned nineteen a month before Paul and I were married in 1966. We had met in the Marine Corps while stationed at Parris Island, South Carolina. To say I was a very naïve young woman is an understatement. However, in our ignorance and immaturity, God has brought us through many struggles, heartaches, trials, joys, and celebrations; there were good times and bad times. As we were enjoying an evening on our back porch, Paul turned to me and said, “We’ve been married fifty-two years. If you could go back and talk to that nineteen-year-old girl, what would you tell her?” I had to think for a moment. Then I said, “I think I would say, ‘You’re stronger than you think. You’re gonna make it.’”
Let me encourage you to keep on keeping on. Keep making the right choices. Keep trusting God. If you are walking in the dark right now, keep walking until you walk back into the light. Jeremiah 29 is such a powerful truth for us to hold in our hearts. He has a great plan for your life.
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you, says the Lord, and I will bring you back from your captivity… (Jeremiah 29:11-14).
Seek the Lord! Search for Him with all of your heart. He will hear! No matter what has you held captive, He can and will set you free.
Billie Kaye Tsika