Fixing the Porn Problem
The Bible is clear, crystal clear, that sex is good. It’s a natural desire and an appetite from God, a shadow of the intimacy we one day experience fully with Him. The amazing and wonderful intimacy between a man and his wife was purposed by our loving Creator who knew that it was not good for man to be alone. It is good for a man to be aroused with the beauty of his wife and to enjoy her completely.
But God had more in mind than just the act of intercourse. To speak of our sexuality is to speak about our identities, our images of masculinity and femininity, our attitudes and values, as well as our honor and respect for one another. Our sexuality, though influenced by our families and culture, should be defined and managed by our faith and belief in what God has spoken.The Bible says that our bodies are members of Christ, and yet they also are a gift to one another. So as we belong to one another as husband and wife, so also we belong to Christ. (See 1 Corinthians 6:15, 17; 7). In joining together in marriage, a husband and a wife are creating a new identity together. This union is so valuable to God, that we must not hurt one another, use one another, nor neglect one another. (See 1 Corinthians 7:5; also see 1 Thessalonians 4:4–7.) The Song of Solomon persuades us to let our relationship be filled with kindness and praise; with protection and character; with playfulness and laughter. The Song is the fullness of the expression in Proverbs 5:18, to “rejoice in the wife of your youth.” We must guard our sex and our sexuality. We must be careful how we express our sexuality outside our marriage, lest we defile the act of marriage.
This is our challenge, for sexuality is a God-ordained dimension to our humanness. There should be no shame simply because you notice a beautiful woman. But sex is meant to be enjoyed in its purposed context. It’s a beautiful way of expressing the deepest level of intimacy between man and woman. It’s a gift from God, a reward to couples for taking the time to develop the social and spiritual dimensions to intimacy. We are hard-wired for both sex and intimacy, so even testosterone was part of God’s plan. Being a male, sexual creature made in the image of God, can be an exhilarating experience when we are enjoying sex according to His design.
But lust and sexual sin have also been a battle since perfect harmony in relationships was disrupted in the Fall. You can trace it back to the book of Genesis, where, in fact, we can read about several different sexual sins, including adultery, prostitution and incest, forms of sexual sin that people in the church are secretly acquainted with. Satan saw the beauty when Adam and Eve came together sexually, to express the intimacy of their Garden of Eden ecstasy, and he knew he had to destroy the beauty of this oneness. His games are corruption and destruction. He steals, then distorts, and we see the devastating effects of this on a regular basis, as men come into our counseling offices, broken and in deep despair. We are meeting with men who have lost everything, or they are on the verge of losing jobs, marriages and reputations, because of the inability to stop their broken, illicit sexual behavior. The sexualization of our culture, through television, grocery store magazines, endless porn sites, websites for adultery, as well as the sexual chaos of today’s generations, are the enemy’s missiles and landmines that assault us.
Supercharged
The reason for this deluge in brokenness and despair is that modern-day sexual exposure has burst through a ceiling. This war has been escalated to a whole new level in just the past fifteen to twenty years. This is the result of the Internet. The World Wide Web can be exactly that: a web. Internet pornography is so accessible that it has snared men in a web of lust and deceit, and it is consuming and slaughtering men and boys everywhere. Once someone is hooked, they can easily get free pornography virtually anywhere––34 percent of Internet users have seen porn unintentionally! It’s coming like a tidal wave with a level of intensity that we’ve never experienced before. What we’re facing as a culture is insane––levels of sexual saturation that is producing compulsions and addictions with a bondage equal to that of cocaine or heroin.
It’s time to wake up to this reality and do battle! This problem is rampant, storming us like an invading guerilla army and leaving in its wake devastation like that in the Sudan. Just as conventional war changed in the twenty-first century into a new kind of war against terrorism, what has happened because of the Internet has amped up the battle for sexual purity:
Count to one. In that second––and every other second––almost 30,000 people are viewing pornography.
Also happening every second––$3,075.64 is being spent on pornography.
What factor can increase the rate of infidelity by 300%? The factor is the regular viewing of pornography.
In 56% of all divorce cases, one party had an obsessive interest in porn.
93% of boys are exposed to Internet pornography before the age of 18.
Scientists and relationship experts worldwide––both Christian and secular––are acknowledging the harmful impact of pornography on men, women, and relationships. Researchers at the University of Chicago have come out declaring that pornography is dehumanizing to women. In defining porn as the sexual subordination of women, these scholars call for a ban on its pervasiveness in our culture. Their conclusion is the same as what the church has been saying for years: Pornography turns women into commodities, into mere sexual objects. These researchers close with this statement: “Women in pornographic movies are often raped and forced to act in degrading ways. But viewers of these films come to believe that these women enjoy these acts, leading men into believing that this is the way that all women like to be treated.” It is easy to forget the editing, directing, and payments that were used to make this lie appear to be real on screen.
Men are finding their sexual desires changed by what they see in pornography. A 2014 survey conducted by researchers at the University of Arkansas found that the more young men watched porn, the more likely they were to ask their partner to do things they had seen. The concern? Pornography is high on degrading acts and typically neglects tenderness.Eighty-eight percent of pornography shows physical aggression.These statistics and research should sober every man. Sex is being destroyed by pornography. People who watch pornography have less sex––and the sex they have is less satisfying! Sex becomes an act, an exercise, anything but loving and intimate. As a result, many men don’t even know how to participate in emotional closeness and non-sexual touch.
Not long ago, I was arriving at a hotel in Atlanta, having flown in late at night, around 2:00 a.m. It was windy outside, gusting, as I approach the entrance. Suddenly the door swung open and I was standing face-to-face with a local call girl. At 2:00 a.m. she was just on her way out of the hotel. Merely make a passing comment, I said, “It’s windy outside,” and she quipped back, “Hey Baby, you’re not in Kansas anymore.” When it comes to the easily accessible temptations surrounding us each day––she’s right! And the Wizard of Oz has no magic spell to send us back to a simpler time. We must learn to fight in the now.Howard came in for counseling, exhausted by an Internet pornography problem that was killing his spiritual life. You wouldn’t believe how it started. He had grown up in the 1960s and 70s without a pornography problem. He received Christ into his life sometime in his late twenties, married a Christian woman, had three children, and attended an excellent Bible-teaching church. He was well respected for his leadership in business and the church. But when his children were preteens, Howard bought a new computer for the children’s schoolwork. Everyone had gone to bed by the time he had everything set up, including the Internet service. To ensure that Internet service was working adequately he checked out a sports website. Then he checked the news on a popular site. Before he turned off the computer, Howard remembered that other men had told him how easy it was for children to click on pornography. He didn’t want that to happen to his kids, so he wondered how easy. He decided to see for himself. In only a few moments, Howard had stopped breathing. His eyes were dilated large. His pulse was racing. Howard was captivated by the images. It took only a few moments, but a Christian man with no previous problem with porn suddenly had one. And it began to grow. We are not saying that viewing porn will make you an addict. But let us make this point––it can.
Howard’s battle was the usual one. He felt exhilarated but dirty; his prayer time became confessing and pleading; he would go to church but quit speaking up; he began to hate himself (which we call shame). His struggle had become exhausting by the time he came in for help. Trapped almost accidentally, innocently, Howard had been caught up in the war with the power of the Internet––and all of hell.
A Sobering Reality
As counselors we are hearing from church-going families that Internet pornography is the number one problem in their homes. One poll indicated that 47 percent of families find that pornography is a problem in their home. It’s like a cancer destroying the family. People everywhere are “connected,” but few are experiencing intimacy. Young men raised with cell phones with privacy-invading apps have been cheated into accepting relationships that are short and shallow, just like their social media messages. Eighty-seven percent of teenagers have Internet access, and yet increased Internet usage is correlated with loneliness, not with connection. Seventy-nine percent of youths’ unwanted exposure to pornography occurs in the home.There has also been a recent explosion of what we now call “mommy porn,” literature that is luring both married and single women, and even teenage girls, into a world of inappropriate sexual fantasy. Desperate to love and be loved in a broken world, it is creating for them the same damaging, unrealistic sexual expectations that pornography creates in the minds of men.
Parents or spouses can set Internet filters or check the Internet history and feel a false sense of security and relief. However, it is easy for pornography usage to be hidden in a cell phone. Half of the 38 million people who use “Pornhub” are viewing through their mobile devices.
Our daughters are at great risk, because the boys they are dating and the young men they will marry are the very ones being damaged and ensnared today. Our sons and daughters are facing a myriad of temptations not available to previous generations. Seventy-one percent of teenagers admit to hiding online behavior from their parents. Thirty percent of 17-year-olds have sent a “sext” (a text message with a sexual description or picture). Our teenagers are less capable of true connection and intimacy because of their online behavior- including pornography usage! And, as sociologist Dr. Jill Manning has pointed out, “Even more disturbing is the fact that the first Internet generations have not reached full maturity, so the upper limits of this impact have yet to be realized.”
Many men believe the lie that their lust and pornography usage only impacts them. Families, churches, and friendships are impacted. Children are impacted. Read this anonymous open letter from a woman who found pornography on her father’s computer:Dear Dad,I want to let you know first of all that I love you and forgive you for what this has done in my life. I also wanted to let you know exactly what your porn use has done to my life. You may think that this effects only you, or even your and mom’s relationships. But it has had a profound impact on me and all of my siblings as well.
I found your porn on the computer somewhere around the age of 12 or so, just when I was starting to become a young woman. First of all, it seemed very hypocritical to me that you were trying to teach me the value of what to let into my mind in terms of movies, yet here you were entertaining your mind with this junk on a regular basis. Your talks to me about being careful with what I watched meant virtually nothing.
Because of pornography, I was aware that mom was not the only woman you were looking at. I became acutely aware of your wandering eye when we were out and about. This taught me that all men have a wandering eye and can’t be trusted. I learned to distrust and even dislike men for the way they perceived women in this way.
As far as modesty goes, you tried to talk with me about how my dress affects those around me and how I should value myself for what I am on the inside. Your actions however told me that I would only ever truly be beautiful and accepted if I looked like the women on magazine covers or in porn. Your talks with me meant nothing and in fact, just made me angry.
As I grew older, I only had this message reinforced by the culture we live in. That beauty is something that can only be achieved if you look like “them.” I also learned to trust you less and less as what you told me didn’t line up with what you did. I wondered more and more if I would ever find a man who would accept me and love me for me and not just a pretty face.When I had friends over, I wondered how you perceived them. Did you see them as my friends, or did you see them as a pretty face in one of your fantasies? No girl should ever have to wonder that about the man who is supposed to be protecting her and other women in her life.
I did meet a man. One of the first things I asked him about was his struggle with pornography. I’m thankful to God that it is something that hasn’t had a grip on his life. We still have had struggles because of the deep-rooted distrust in my heart for men. Yes, your porn watching has affected my relationship with my husband years later.
If I could tell you one thing, it would be this: Porn didn’t just affect your life; it affected everyone around you in ways I don’t think you can ever realize. It still affects me to this day as I realize the hold that it has on our society. I dread the day when I have to talk with my sweet little boy about pornography and its far-reaching greedy hands. When I tell him about how pornography, like most sins, affects far more than just us.
Like, I said, I have forgiven you. I am so thankful for the work that God has done in my life in this area. It is an area that I still struggle with from time to time, but I am thankful for God’s grace and also my husband’s. I do pray that you are past this and that the many men who struggle with this will have their eyes opened.
Love, Your Daughter
Maybe until this point you have been thinking of your own experience in this battle. But as we expand our thoughts to our family, friends, and churches, we reach the sobering realization that the war is all around us and we are not the only ones we need to fight for.
Strategy: Use a picture of your wife or family as the background image on your cell phone. Use it as a reminder of who you are fighting the battle for.
Pursue, Overtake, Rescue
Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you. (Eph. 5:14)
Remember the Lord, Who is great and awesome, and fight for your brothers, your sons, your daughters, your wives, and your homes. (Neh. 4:14)
In First Samuel 30, we read the account of David and his mighty men, who have returned to their home in Ziklag, a village on the western land of the Philistines. On arriving in their village, they found the city empty! It had been burned and destroyed, and all of their wives and sons and daughters had been kidnapped and taken away by the Amalekites! The men, Scripture says, began to lose their minds. They grieved in the anguish that their families were dead. David prayed to Yahweh, perhaps wondering if it was too late, “Shall I pursue the Amalekites. Shall I overtake them?”
Yahweh answered and told him, “Pursue. Overtake. Rescue!”
David and his men pursued the Amalekites and found them in a drunken celebration, unprepared for an attack. It was twilight when David’s army struck, and his band of brothers killed every marauding soldier of the Amalekite army that they confronted, striking them down one after another, until evening on the next day. David and all his men rescued their own wives, their young sons and daughters, and all the spoils of their homes that had been taken. They rescued everyone, and brought them back home.This is our calling, men. This is war! We must rescue our wives, our sons, our daughters, our homes. We rescue them by fighting for our freedom in Christ.We must fight for one another and for our families. Church pastors, elders and deacons, men’s and women’s ministry leaders, we are pleading with you. There is an elephant sitting in the pew of the church that everyone knows is there, yet nobody wants to talk about. We believe that in the next decade the greatest challenge facing the church will most certainly be dealing with the issues of sexual brokenness and shame. Period. No other issue will compete with this. If we don’t show men how serious this is, and more importantly how to be faithful and strategic in this battle, then a passivity and hopelessness could hit our churches that would leave men all over the world spiritually broken and powerless.
Where there is no purity, there is no power.
Sexual Healing
We’ve got to get beyond the idea that an Internet filter will fix everything. A filter only fixes the computer. The filter doesn’t fix you! We’ve got to stop kidding ourselves into thinking we are solving the problem when we talk about external rules of accountability, like “don’t join a health club with women; don’t look at magazine racks; never get on an elevator alone with a strange woman.”
What? Good grief. These external rules are like orange cones placed five feet into the trees, meant to keep us from veering off the road. These external rules can help but cannot heal or transform the internal heart of a man. When you want what you want, and your mind is consumed, you will plow through your self-imposed barriers and send orange cones flying in all directions, just to taste the forbidden fruit! We must get more serious and stop playing games.
James grew up in a conservative Christian home, involved in his local church. He went off to the state university to play football. One night some of the boys on the football team came to the athlete’s dorm with a pornographic video. James didn’t want to be the only one to bail out, so he stayed and watched. One look at pornography and it had the same effect as crack cocaine. He was hooked. That one night opened the door to years and years of a porn obsession. It awakened a roaring lion that devoured him.The double life that James began to live seemed to work at first. Since he had responded to “the call” to ministry earlier in life, all of James’ energy was ultimately reduced to the balancing of these two lives: the devotion to Bible study and ministry skills, and an obsession with the secret life of pornography and masturbation. It was a stress-filled life. Pornography robbed James of his heart, his creative ability, and ultimately the hope of his faith in Christ. After years of failure and discouragement, defeated in every attempt to stop, James came to hate what his life had become. One night! One pornographic video! Now he was a textbook case study of the power of porn to destroy a young man’s life.Now, some of you may be reading this, rolling your eyes and thinking, “Man, are you guys overreacting! Sure I may struggle a little with lust, but I’m basically a good guy; I try to honor the women I date.” Or, “I love my wife and kids; I join them in church; I’m not having an affair.” If that’s what you’re thinking, then consider where you stand in light of these recent statistics below, from interviews with Christian men about their porn usage.
97% of Christian men acknowledge that they have looked at porn.
80% of Christian men do not have any Internet filters or blocks on their computer
65% of Christian men viewed porn at work, hiding it from their wives
25% of Christian men admit to erasing Internet history to conceal their browsing.
64% of Christian men view porn at least once a month.
55% of married Christian men view porn at least once a month.
37% of Christian men look at porn several times a week.
77% of those ages 18–30 view porn at least once a month.
32% of Christian men ages 18–30 think they are addicted to porn. (Another 12% are not sure.)
Every sexual addict we counsel never intended to be an addict. They tell us that they never thought they would go as far as they did. But it’s easy to get lost in this world. You might not be an addict, but that’s according to your own self-assessment. You may look great on the outside and have the appearance of godliness, but if you’re not dealing with what’s in your heart, then you are minimizing the damage being done. As counselors, we have heard many men state that finding pornography was the worst thing that happened to them. If a man is addicted, he is twenty-three times more likely to say that discovering pornography was the worst thing to ever happen to him. The worst thing in his whole life! Even if you are only looking at porn a few times a year, we know that you hate it! You hate what it is doing to your heart with the fear and the shame of the secret.
Pornography damages relationships, especially your ability to see God in your life.
Pornographic images cloud your mind when you are making love to your wife.
Sexual impurity is compromising your ability to discern and hear the Holy Spirit.
Fantasy and lust are destroying your ability to dream and imagine for God.
Sexual sin makes you passive and weak-willed, as you feel too ashamed to guard your own heart and your family against the spiritual attacks.
When we understand the above, 1 Corinthians 6:9–11 has a deeper meaning:
Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God. Such were some of you; but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in the Spirit of our God. (1 Cor. 6:9–11)
Not dealing with the internal issues in your heart is like juggling unpinned grenades. Sin, especially sexual sin, will take you places you never thought you would go. It can drive you to the depths of despair, cause you heartache, and ruin your life. We’ve seen the scenario unfold over and over again with men like Howard and James.
So many have lost hope and quit trying to break free. They have reached the “what-does-it-matter” phase and have become numb, so defeated by their sexual sin, with no hope of ever gaining control, that they give up and say, “what’s the use, what does it matter; church doesn’t work; God doesn’t work; nothing will work.”We get that––but that doesn’t have to be your story.If you are reading this, chances are the enemy is trying to take you down. Perhaps you’ve lost hope. Regardless of how much you have failed and are despairing, don’t give up. There is hope! Freedom can be a reality! We see it every day!
What can one man do?If you are still crying out for God to help, the seeds of hope are still in you. If one can get free, then others will have hope. Marriages can be restored and strengthened. If one young man can find the way to freedom, he can help his friends get free, and change the tone of their campus ministry group. If a handful of married men in the church can get free, they can alter the spiritual culture of their Men’s Ministry, and radically transform their church.
Isn’t it time?
One man can do a whole lot.
Article by Tim Clinton and Mark Laaser