Backslider Come Home: The Backstory

“Backslider Come Home” was written while I was in a halfway house years ago. Frustrated, I stared out the window while I was praying “Lord when do you work within me to will and work to do Your good pleasure?” I had found this scripture, Philippians 2:13, “for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.” I kept thinking to myself, “when does that happen?” I truly believed that Christ was in me, and I know of whom I believed, but for some reason I just wasn’t getting it. One day a squirrel jumped up on the window screen and began playing right in front of me, running up and down it! It was then when I heard the Father tell me to write these words down. “I know you’re feeling frustrated because things aren’t going your way, I know that things seem all messed up but Jesus is still with you today! You feel like running around and just staying away. That’s not the answer because you know that inside you, He’s calling you back home to stay! Backslider Come Home, Jesus is still calling to you!”

I had a ‘backsliding’ spirit. The brokenness and pain that I had been carrying all my life was the filter that determined whether I would stay or go. Sometimes I was right and running away was justified and the right thing to do. In the beginning, the places I had run away from were not safe, it was a matter of survival that I remove myself. For me it was fight or flight and, in some situations, to fight would only mean more abuse. Because of the abusive way correction and discipline had been administered to me inside and out of the home I walked away. It was a year before I graduated high school. I was off to find what I thought was safety with others who had found refuge on the streets from some form of abuse and neglect. I found common ground and empathy with these broken orphaned spirits and thought this was better than the alternative I had left behind. Little did I know that I had begun the cycle of running from my battles. This faulty truth claim that I lived by would become my undoing on many occasions while I wandered looking for who I was from within my broken filter. I was a runner.

I had built a wall around my heart that said Jesus was allowed in but when it came time for correction and discipline, He had to take a back seat while I allowed the ‘angel of justice’ to excuse me to run. Because I had experienced unhealthy leadership and abuse at the hands of authority figures in my life, I had become a critical spirit who had invited ‘justice’ to stand guard over my heart and soul. He was the gatekeeper and the guardian of the wall that was a fortress around my heart. 2 Corinthians 11:14-15 No wonder, for even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light. Therefore, it is not surprising if his servants also disguise themselves as servants of righteousness, whose end will be according to their deeds.The enemy of our soul wants us to believe that we are right even when we are wrong. He wants us to believe that authority is just a pathway for the spirit of judgement and condemnation to set us up again for more pain. When we have been unjustly used and abused by those who were supposed to love and protect us, satan steps in as an angel of light to ‘justify’ your wall. He does not want you to respect authority and he wants you to embrace bitterness so that all authority, whether it is healthy or not, is to be rejected and even punished.

I work with hardened criminals in Alaska’s prison system who all share one common theme. They have all been dealt a crooked hand by those who were supposed to love and protect them. In most cases the parents or some form of authority had committed unspeakable acts upon them as they had grown up. For many these things were done in secret. They carry unbearable shame that only the Cross of Jesus can relieve them from. Beatings, sexual abuse, isolation, mental and verbal oppression and years of criminal activity were the only life many of these men had ever known. For them, before they met Jesus as their Lord and Savior living in rebellion to authority and society was ‘justifiable’ and they took it to the extreme.

For myself it was self-sabotage. I would make all the steps necessary to overcome and walk the narrow path but when testing and trials came I would ‘justify’ throwing it all away because I was right and just to reject the boss who I felt berated me. I was not about to allow a pastor to critique me or even tolerate him imposing his title or position over me because my spirit of justice gave me the power to scrutinize and hold him accountable for every jot and tittle. It never took me long to become offended and justify walking away back to my default setting. This is where the video “Backslider Come Home” begins.

The Video

Backslider Come Home starts off with a man who is running. He is riding his Harley into downtown Nashville when he sees his old biker buddies on the highway. Those old familiar memories come flooding back in. He looks back towards his default setting and soon his spirit turns into a pillar of salt. He finds the old bar he once haunted and sits down and orders a drink. He is struggling in his mind. He feels horrible about what just happened between him and his wife. He has assaulted her in a fit of rage. He stares at his beer while the Spirit of God reminds him of the Word and the enemy torments him with PTSD from previous wars. Its not long before he finds the spirit of anger and rage confronting him face to face.

He continues to drink. Soon his remorse and brokenness attract the spirits of guilt and shame to help him justify his behavior. The two women represent guilt and shame and they want him to drink more. He is trying not to but he can’t stop. As he continues, he heads further down the path of delusion only to meet with the spirit of rejection who pushes him away. Now he is struggling with guilt, shame, condemnation, rejection and bitterness.

Soon he finds himself purchasing drugs in the bathroom. He has to kill the pain. But the Lord has a different plan. The dealer of hopelessness flees to avoid the divine intervention that is about to occur. He grabs his partner unbelief and they run out of the bar. The broken man takes his newly acquired ‘medicine’ and ducks out of the bathroom and calls guilt and shame over to hide himself from the Lord who is about to arrest him. The police officer who represents the Lord’s authority reaches down and lays His hands on him to deliver him from his guilt and shame. He is apprehended by the Lord’s love and taken into Holy Ghost custody. Luke 15:4 "What man among you, if he has a hundred sheep and has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open pasture and go after the one which is lost until he finds it?” There is no place we can go from the presence of the Lord. He is the One who is able to keep us from falling (Jude 24).

Nothing can separate us from His love, (Romans 8:38-39) and His arm is not so short that he cannot save anyone of us, (Isaiah 59:1), in all of our brokenness and dysfunction. He is able to do exceedingly and abundantly far more than we could ever hope, ask for or imagine (Ephesians 3:20.) And it is the goodness of God that leads a man to repentance! (Romans 2:4.)

“For it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.” (Philippians 2:13.)