Marriage is Not for Consumers
We live in a consumer-oriented society. We can obtain almost anything we desire, and we can have it our way, in our color, in our price range. If it doesn’t fit, we can return it. If it breaks, we can replace it. We can call toll-free numbers, complain to our boss, or even hire a lawyer if we are dissatisfied. I (Steve) once had a briefcase on which the handle fell apart. Since it can be pretty tough to carry a briefcase without a handle, I contacted the company directly. The customer service representative was very apologetic. She asked for the model number of the briefcase and said she would have a replacement sent to my door, at no cost, no questions asked! Literally the next day there was a box at my door with a brand new briefcase in it. As a consumer, this company won me over.
Marriage, however, is not for the consumer; marriage is for the committed. Consumerism can spoil us. What happens when we bring consumerism into our marriages? We might expect to have everything our way. We might expect to have our needs met first. We might even expect our spouse to act like a customer service representative, bending over backwards to win us over. We might expect a kind, cheery, or calm response to all of our selfish questions and requests. And since the customer is always right, if we act as customers in our marriages, we feel perpetually justified.After years of counseling and speaking all over the world, hearing story after story from many different couples, we have come to realize that most social scientists have missed the mark when it comes to identifying the primary cause of marriage breakup. While finances play a part, as do compatibility and sexual issues, these are all secondary to the primary reason: selfishness. When we become a consumer in our marriage, we become selfish and frequently used to getting what we want.One time in a marriage counseling session, a husband responded, “I give her whatever she wants. She doesn’t work outside the home. She has a car. All I ask is that she…” That sentence could be finished with any number of things: get up and cook me breakfast, give me a back rub and listen to me when I come home from work, balance the checkbook, run the entire household, cook delicious meals, always be available for sex. You get the picture. The spirit of consumerism says, “I give to my spouse, therefore, I expect a certain return.” If you’re looking for a specific return, then you are looking for an investment and not a committed marriage relationship.
Levels of Commitment within Marriage
First, we must be committed to God. Our commitment to God must override our commitment to everyone and everything else. 1 Kings 8:61 says, “But your hearts must be fully committed to the Lord our God, to live by his decrees and obey his commands.” When Jesus was asked what the greatest commandment was, He replied that we were to “Love the Lord [our] God with all [our] heart and with all [our] soul and with all [our] mind” (Matthew 22:36). Love God first. This means His will for us should supersede our will.Second, we must be committed to our spouse. In committing to one another in marriage, we commit to putting the needs of our spouse before our needs. Jesus once said that the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven was first a servant. Who is the greatest servant in your household?
Early on in our marriage, we attempted to counsel another young married couple in which the husband was addicted to drugs. His need to get high was his number one priority in life. Although he loved his wife, she was not as important to him as the drugs he craved. As he destroyed himself, he also destroyed his marriage.We must also be committed at this same level to ourselves. This is not meant to sound selfish, but in Matthew 22:38, Jesus said that we are to love our neighbor as our self. If we do not have a proper, God-given and healthy self-image, if we lack “self-love,” we will not know how to love another, especially our spouse, who is our closest neighbor.
For example, if, as a spouse, I decide to no longer take care of my teeth, my hair or care about my weight, then I do not properly love my marriage partner. And if I stop caring about my spiritual self, I will have a direct effect upon my spouse who needs me to love God more than I love her or him. According to the words of Jesus, to not care for myself is the same as not caring for my life mate.
Mary and I were traveling in order to meet with a leadership couple that was experiencing a challenging time in their personal lives. As they began to describe what was happening and how they were feeling, the wife in a rather subdued manner looked straight at me while speaking these words, “I’m done. I’m done trying to please everyone. I’m done trying to diet. I’m done trying to lose weight and use exercise equipment that I just abhor. I am going to eat what I want, do what I want and not worry about it any longer.” As she spoke, something began to arise within me that I just knew was not from my mind, but from my spirit. I looked straight back at her eye to eye and said, “You do realize that what you are telling us is that you are done obeying God’s command to care for and to love yourself. You are telling me that your husband and your children and those whom you lead are not worth loving because you are not worth loving. In not taking care of yourself, you are not taking care of those whom you love or will love in the future.She starred at me and was a bit startled by my direct response. The next day she told me that she was convicted by those words and after repenting made a decision to make the necessary changes in her life. She said she wants to love others, as she knows she is loved.
Third, we must be committed to our family. If something happens to one of our children while we are at work, most of us will leave and care for our child. They should have a higher priority to us than our jobs That being said, our commitment to our spouse must come even before our commitment to our children. This is a vital concept to adopt so that the marriage remains intact after the children are raised. Far too often we have observed couples that have poured their lives into their children or grandchildren and left their marriage to fend for itself. We have seen wonderful mothers get so caught up in mothering that their husbands are left feeling very alone. While children do not raise themselves, marriages cannot be put on hold until the kids are grown. When the children or grandchildren become a higher priority than the marriage itself, the spouses will one-day wake up separated physically and emotionally. Do not allow such a devastating separation to occur to you or your marriage.One long weekend a number of years ago, Steve and I were staying with a pastor and his wife where we were speaking. Throughout the weekend we noticed little things in their marriage and one evening the wife spoke up and said to us, “We have separate bedrooms.” We asked them if they desired to talk about it and she began to disclose how the church had become a higher priority to her husband than she and the children. After years of this, the wife finally went back to her teaching career in order to provide for the household and the more distant as a couple they became.
First they separated emotionally, then financially, then spiritually, then physically and finally they lived a life of complete divorce minus the paperwork within the same house. The depth of their wounds and the constant pain they lived in was indescribable. To think that it all started with priorities out of alignment.
Finally, commitment to our jobs and local churches, as well as to community efforts and hobbies, is afforded the next level of priority in our lives. These areas, while important, are secondary to the marriage and family. Community action is great, as is running for a local political office or rebuilding a neighbor’s old car, but never are these of higher priority than your first obligation: your “community” at home. Our life priorities and levels of commitment speak far louder than our words. When we are in proper alignment with God’s priorities for our marriage and family, we will find deeper peace and depth of relationship. This is the type of relationship that God created us for.Be honest: list your top five priorities in life as they currently are, and not as you would like them to be.Who or what comes first as you take a candid self-assessment? A consumer-oriented society will list self as its first priority. But this is not the case with God’s desire for our lives or His order for our marriages. Discuss your answers as you consider the following questions about consumerism in marriage:
If I assess myself honestly, what consumerism am I guilty of within my marriage?
What do I need to change in order to not live like a customer in my marriage?
How can I re-organize my priorities if they are not aligned with God’s priorities?
In what areas of marriage do I struggle with selfish ambition?